


even lovers drown

by ieatravioli



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Amnesia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-05
Updated: 2014-04-05
Packaged: 2018-01-18 07:36:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1419858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ieatravioli/pseuds/ieatravioli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn wakes up with amnesia, forgetting five years of his life and the most important person in it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	even lovers drown

**Author's Note:**

> this is my send off to one d fic and i would like to thank everyone who has helped with this and my previous fics before this- you know who you are. 
> 
>  
> 
> the title comes from "the mermaid" by w.b. yeats

Zayn wakes up in a cold sweat. Judging by the groggy feeling in his head he knows he has slept for hours. He has a feeling that his sleep was unnatural; as if induced by some sort of medication but his head is too sore for him to try to figure out why.

He woke up hours, maybe days, earlier with blood trickling down his face clouding his vision. He had panicked of course- he had no idea what was happening. He must have been in shock, he reflects now, because he can’t remember a damn thing. He must have been given medicine to calm down, explaining the deep sleep he just woke from. His head still hurts to much to try remember _why_.

“Just sleep Zayn” he hears someone mutter and he wants to fight it, wake himself up and try and grasp what is really going on here but sleep sounds so good. So good.

/

“I think he’s waking up!”

“You’ve been saying that for the past five hours”

“Should we get his parents?”

Three different voices circulate Zayn’s head as he once again comes to consciousness. One he recognises is definitely Louis but the other two he’s having difficulty with. It hurts to open his eyes; the bright lights already hurting his head through his eyelids.

“Louis?” he croaks, voice unused and tasting like the worst hangover imaginable.

Everything goes silent in the room and Zayn hears tiny footsteps approaching him and an equally tiny hand slipping into his own.

“What happened?” Zayn asks and Louis squeezes his hand softly.

“Well mate, you were in a pretty bad accident. You fell- don’t you remember?” Louis says gently and Zayn knows by his tone that if he just squeezed open an eye Louis’ face would be etched with worry.

Zayn wracks his brains- which hurts a whole fucking lot- and still he can’t remember.

“I must be in shock” he huffs and there’s only silence expect for the repeated beeping from the heart monitor that must be to the left of his bed.

“Must be babe- you can stay asleep, we’re not going anywhere”

Zayn smiles at that because of course Louis is here. He’s always here.

With that Zayn allows the drugs and his own willpower to drag him back to sleep.

/

When he wakes the third time it’s in a sweat and panic. His head is thumping with pain like every headache he’s ever had combined. His whole chest is in agony and he can’t breathe.

He sits up in bed and looks down at himself. He’s in a dreary blue hospital robe that’s drenched in sweat. There are tubes sticking out of him from every angle and there’s what looks like dried in blood all over his hands- even under his fingernails.

“I- I can’t breathe” he gasps, looking around the room to find nobody in it. The door is open though and he can hear someone walking past. He tries calling for help but his breath is shortening and his heart feels like it is in his mouth.

Just when he thinks he’s at the peak of what must be a panic attack, a tall brunette man walks into the room carrying a few snacks in his hands. When he sees Zayn his eyes widen and he drops everything to rush over to his bedside.

“Zayn breathe you’re ok” he assures and if Zayn knew who the guy was, his calming voice would definitely help. But he’s a stranger and he’s touching Zayn’s shoulders and looking at him in a way that makes Zayn freak out even more.

“G-get off me” Zayn manages to blurt out and the boy flinches but takes a step back, staring at Zayn with worried brown eyes.

Zayn counts to ten over and over until his breathing has returned to normal and he’s forcing himself to think of anything except the current situation.

“You good?” the boy whispers when Zayn lies back down.

Zayn looks at him properly this time. He’s tall and well built, brown hair slicked back into a quiff that looks like it could be Zayn’s handiwork. His eyes and eyebrows make him look incredibly endearing and that along with the oversized hoodie he’s wearing- Zayn would totally check this guy out in a normal scenario.

“Zayn?” the guy’s voice breaks and he looks terrified. Zayn has no idea why or how the guy even knows his name so he makes sure to remain as calm as possible.

“Um sorry- I didn’t catch your name?” Zayn finally replies because he has no idea of what else to say.

The guy’s eyes widen and then a cautious smile stretches his rather pink lips.

“Even in this condition you’re still cracking jokes, Louis will enjoy that” the stranger laughs weakly but his eyebrows knit together because Zayn’s not laughing.

Zayn fiddles with the string on his robe and tries to think of something tactful to say because this man’s eyes are swimming with a kind of worry that makes Zayn uneasy. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and Zayn doesn’t want him here anymore.

“Honestly I just… I don’t know you”

“Stop messing around this isn’t funny Zayn!” the stranger snaps. Zayn frowns because he’s the one in a fucking hospital bed and he’s being shout at by someone he doesn’t even know.

“I don’t have a fucking clue who you are, why would I joke around about this shit?!” Zayn half shouts in frustration and mild panic. He makes sure his face remains completely serious and the guy is staring at him in complete shock.

“Who are you?!” Zayn asks, feeling more and more irritated as the guy takes three or four steps back towards the door.

“Who are you?!”

//

_“Who are you?” ___

Zayn keeps shouting it but Liam, Liam he can’t believe it. It’s not real and pretty soon he will wake up right?

Only Zayn’s eyes are _always_ how Liam reads a situation. For instance he knows the difference between when Zayn is truly happy or just pretending for the sake of appearances; his eyes crinkle right at the corner and they get a sparkle that Liam has never seen in a pair of eyes like that before.

Right now Zayn’s eyes are dark and clouded with confusion and anger. It’s frightening and unbelievable and Liam needs to get out of there.

Just as he’s backing out of the room, Louis and Niall are returning from the canteen and run straight into him.

“Whoa there sister” Louis says cheerily but when Liam turns around and Louis gets a proper look at him, his face drops and he pushes Liam out of the way to get a look at Zayn.

“For fuck sake Liam he’s alive- the look on your face!” Louis snaps but smiles in relief over in Zayn’s direction. He’s stopped shouting at Liam and is now staring at Louis like he’s glad he’s there; the way he should be looking at Liam. It makes Liam’s stomach turn.

“Mate, mate something’s wrong” Niall mutters to Louis. Niall has a hand on Liam’s shoulder, steadying him and Louis looks between both Liam and Zayn in confusion.

Louis is intuitive and can grasp a situation in seconds; it’s one of Liam’s favourite things about him. He walks towards Zayn’s bed and places a hand gently on his shoulder, the same action Liam had done moments before but this time Zayn leans in to the touch.

“What’s happening?” Louis asks quietly and Liam holds his breath still hoping this is all a joke.

“There are people in and out of my room who I don’t even know and it’s not helping with all… this” Zayn hisses pointing at the tubes in his arms.

“Nurses and doctors you mean?” Louis frowns and Zayn shakes his head, wincing when that hurts him.

“Them!” Zayn points at Liam and Niall and Liam feels Niall’s fingers dig into his shoulder. It would hurt but right now Liam feels numb.

“You twat that’s Niall and Liam!” Louis laughs but the panic is written all over his features.

Zayn’s face remains the same; Louis’ words meant nothing.

“You… you really don’t know them?” Louis asks, his breath hitching and Liam needs to leave.

Before he can retreat from the room Zayn shakes his head once more and Liam catches Niall’s eye. It reflects the panic and hurt coursing through Liam’s system right now and he runs.

He thinks he hears Niall call his name but he just runs and runs, fighting the tears that threaten to spill.

/

Liam’s outside, leaning against the wall and hoping with all his might that this is some kind of concussion and Zayn just needs a few hours to settle down. He’s been looking up injuries Zayn could have possible suffered from his accident and concussion was one of them. Amnesia too but Liam pushes that thought back because no, that cannot happen to Zayn. Zayn is impossible to break. 

He feels a hand squeeze his shoulder after a while and judging by the faint smell of sweet perfume he knows it is Zayn’s mum.

Her eyes are red like she had been crying and there’s fresh tears swimming in the eyes that remind Liam so much of Zayn’s.

“What’s happening?” Liam finally manages to speak because the silence is killing him. “How is he?”

She tries to speak but instead a sob falls out of her mouth and Liam wraps his arms around her to hold her steady.

“His memory Liam” she says into his shoulder, voice strong but sorrow evident. “I don’t know what’s happening, nobody does! They can’t tell me anything!”

Liam’s throat feels tight but he holds her at arm’s length and holds her tight.

“He’ll be fine! It’s Zayn, he can get through this! We all can” he says and it sounds convincing, so convincing that her eyes light up with the hope Liam is clinging to.

“You’re right. They said you might help trigger his memory, do you want to come back inside?”

Liam wants to say no and run away because if the worst comes to the worst he’s not sure he’s strong enough. But the look on her face and the need to make sure Zayn is ok makes him follow her inside.

/

Niall is pacing the hallway outside Zayn’s room and his hair is an even bigger mess than usual. Louis is leaning against the door, biting his nails and he looks exhausted.

“Come in” Zayn’s mother says to Liam only, opening the door and ushering him inside.

Zayn is much calmer looking than before, chatting with his Dad and the nurse who is scribbling notes on her clipboard.

“Liam’s here” Zayn’s mum announces and Liam’s heart sinks when Zayn visibly tenses and his eyes become guarded.

“Hi” Liam smiles weakly. Zayn remains stoic and his Dad and nurse look at Liam with pity in their eyes.

“Zayn appears to have sustained a serious head injury in his fall and it seems to have affected his memory. Maybe your presence could help revive something” the nurse gently informs Liam and gives Zayn one last inspection before leaving the room.

Zayn’s mum and dad follow her out of the room until it’s just the two of them.

“I know your name is Liam,” Zayn begins and Liam’s stomach lurches with excitement “but I still don’t know who you are”

Zayn looks guilty, like maybe his parents told him not to be too harsh and to go easy on Liam. He wonders if that is all they’ve told him. Surely it is because seems far too calm for someone who just found out they don’t even know their own fiancé. 

“What date do you think it is?” Liam asks hesitantly, unsure of how to approach this.

“Um well it was my birthday last week… I’m sure” Zayn offers but the look on his face indicates that he knows he’s wrong.

“What year?” Liam feels sick because Zayn is already off by two months.

Zayn runs bandaged hands through his hair and he’s starting to look stressed out. Zayn hates being wrong or looking stupid and Liam knows he’s feeling both.

“It’s ok Zayn, we just want to help” Liam says in his most calm voice which usually works but Zayn’s eyes are storming.

“It’s 2009 ok, that’s what I think it is but I know I’m fucking wrong!” Zayn panics and Liam wants to vomit but right now Zayn is more important.

“Did they tell you what year it really is?”

“They’ve only told me what’s wrong with me! Broken head broken ribs right?” Zayn laughs but the sound is mirthless.

Liam’s angry now because he’s been left to tell Zayn everything, when Zayn doesn’t even know who he is.

“Zayn its 2014” Liam says and Zayn’s eyes widen in fear.

It takes a few minutes for either of them to say something, Liam staring intently at Zayn while Zayn glances around the room like it might hold the answers he’s looking for.

“Who are you?” Zayn asks timidly.

2009 was a year before they met

“I’m a good friend of yours” Liam lies because it might be too much for Zayn to know he’s engaged to be married. And that Liam is this apparent love of his life, sitting in the firing line of scared and hurt eyes. It hurts to lie and it hurts to not admit everything. Hurts to not be able to wrap his arms around him and stroke the back of his neck like he knows will have Zayn relaxing into his arms and trusting Liam with the world in a matter of seconds.

“And the blonde kid?” Zayn asks, trying to smile.

“Another friend” Liam grins because it’s impossible not to smile when it comes to Niall.

Zayn sighs and let’s his head fall back against the pillow.

“I’m sorry about all this” he sighs waving his hand around the room like it’s his fault.

Before Liam can reply, Louis comes back in and Zayn’s eyes immediately brighten. Liam hates to admit it but his stomach swoops with jealousy.

“How’s the patient?” Louis asks kindly and his eyes flick between the two. Calculating. Always calculating. Liam has a moment where he imagine Zayn blinking slowly and then laughing, everything coming back to him and reaching over to seal Liam’s lips with his. Louis sees this in Liam’s eyes and the misleading cold blue stare turns to one of sad warmth.

Zayn remains silent; there’s tension in the air and Liam realises with a sinking feeling that he’s not wanted. 

“I’ll be in the waiting room” Liam mutters and quickly leaves, not wanting to hear them speak to each other.

Niall’s asleep in a chair, twitching every now and again with restlessness. 

He takes his usual seat by the water cooler and watches various people traipse in and out. Each of them has their own troubles and worries but right now Liam feels like his are the worst.

Zayn’s parents come in after a while to inform Liam they’re going home for the night and they’ll be back tomorrow. Liam’s glad because the pity in their eyes only makes him feel worse.

He eventually drifts off with his head resting on Niall’s shoulder.

/

He wakes up to bickering and pretends to be asleep to give himself a few minutes peace.

“He should go home, it might trigger his memories” he can hear Louis arguing.

“He doesn’t want to Louis, he wants you”

And that stabs Liam right in the gut so he stirs in his seat, pretending to only be waking up now.

Louis looks wrecked and he eyes Liam warily as he rises from his seat.

“What’s going on?”

The nurse Louis was arguing with and has become very familiar to them turns to Liam with an almost impatient air about her.

“Zayn is well enough to be discharged and Louis and I were just discussing what plan is best for him.

Liam eyes Louis who looks angry and exhausted and he wishes everything wasn’t so complicated. He should be the one with the final say, not Ivy the nurse, not Louis, not anybody but him.

“His ribs still need time to heal so he needs to be somewhere comfortable. And there’s the amnesia to think of: he should return to a familiar surrounding where a memory could be triggered but he also needs to be as calm as possible” she goes on to explain and Liam nods his head along with her. _Amnesia_. Hearing it makes it more real. 

“Have you discussed this with Zayn?” Liam asks and Louis looks down at his feet.

Ivy looks guilty but tells him the truth. “He said he wants to go back to Louis’. Says its home to him”

Liam can feel a lump rising in his throat because that’s so wrong. Zayn’s home, _their_ home, is what they’ve created together. Over four years of living together they’ve created a proper little home for themselves and now Zayn doesn’t even acknowledge it. It makes his heart feel raw.

“Liam I think he should go home with you” Louis adds, ensuring that Liam understands his standpoint.

Liam considers it and the thought of Zayn walking into their home and not recognising the little pieces of their soul scattered throughout the place kills him.

“Maybe Zayn should have the final say”

“He’s not in his right mind Liam, you can help!”

Liam breathes out heavily through his nose. He’s not one for losing his temper but he thinks he has a right to now.

“You think I don’t know that Louis?! How would you like it if Harry looked at you like you were some fucking weirdo imposing on him?! How _can_ I help?!” he shouts and turns towards the window, balling his fists at his sides.

“I’m sorry Liam. I’m just trying to help” Louis’ voice is quiet and small.

Liam can count the number of times he’s heard Louis give a genuine apology on one hand and immediately feels guilty.

His shoulders slump and he rests his forehead against the cool glass of the window.

“I told him we were just friends. He can’t come back and see… see everything” Liam sighs.

There’s silence and when Liam turns around Louis’ mouth is opening and closing like he’s shocked and doesn’t know what to say.

“You didn’t tell him?!”

“Oh yeah I said hey you don’t know me but we are supposed to be getting married next year” Liam deadpans the realisation of the statement hits him and again, his throat closes over.

Louis’ looks lost for words but he must realise Liam has a point because he says nothing further and just takes a seat.

Niall returns from presumably the canteen judging by the bean sauce at the corners of his mouth and Louis fills him in.

“Well you can’t give out, you haven’t told Harry yet” Niall reasons and Liam turns to Louis who looks sheepish.

“He’s on holidays!” Louis shrugs and Liam groans, watching the condensation form an odd shape on the window.

“What am I going to do?” he whispers mostly to himself but suddenly he has two warm bodies engulfing him and hears what could be Niall’s sniffles.

/

Zayn’s bustling around the room, frowning every time the drip attached to his hand catches on something.

“Need some help?” Liam asks, bringing attention to himself in the doorway.

Zayn jumps and visibly tenses when he sees Liam. It’s sickening really.

“Um no, all I need is to get dressed and grab my stuff at the desk”

Liam’s thoughts rush with what could have been on Zayn’s possession that day and he gulps.

“How about I grab that for you while you get changed?” he offers Zayn a falsely calm smile and Zayn hesitates before nodding his head curtly.

“Thanks”

Liam waits in line at the main desk and nibbles impatiently on his nails.

The woman at the desk looks ready to kill by the time Liam walks up and she makes a big deal of Liam collecting Zayn’s stuff.

“You’re not a relation” she keeps repeating glaring at Liam over the rim of her glasses.

“I’m his _fiancée_ ” Liam explains exasperatedly and she makes an even more sour expression at that. Liam ignores what she’s mumbling under her breath while she storms into the back room and retrieves Zayn’s things.

Liam takes the bloody clothes and zip lock bag of belongings, not thanking the woman and walks back towards the room.

Liam feels sick as he looks at the clothes in his hands. Zayn’s jacket and t-shirt had been cut with a scissors when he was found and they’re stained with blood. Liam can’t help his vivid imagination provide him with the image of Zayn lying on the ground at the bottom of some stairs, unconscious and helpless. It’s the image he’s been fighting all week but he constantly feels sick with guilt that he wasn’t there. He could have helped right? He could have saved him. 

Before he goes back to the room he opens the zip lock bag with shaky hands. 

Inside is Zayn’s stuffed wallet; never with money but with sentimental things Liam’s always teasing him over. Cinema tickets, bus tickets, cheesy photo booth pictures- Zayn even has a shoebox filled to the brim at home.

He removes the picture of him and Zayn kissing at the photo booth from one of their first dates and pockets it with a heavy heart.

Next is Zayn’s watch which he will need to get fixed, a few bracelets now covered in blood and lastly the ring. Liam’s whole stomach turns as he picks it up in his hand. It feels heavier than it should and tears spring to his eyes.

“Hey is that my-” Zayn comes out of the room and Liam quickly wipes his eyes before shoving everything but the ring back in the bag.

“Just checking it’s all there”

“Are you ok?” Zayn asks Liam awkwardly, taking the bag and rifling through it with a confused expression on his face.

Liam ignores the question and jumps when Zayn yelps.

“I recognise this!” he’s beaming and holding one of the string bracelets that Liam knows Zayn’s mum bought him for his tenth birthday.

“You’ve um, you’ve had that for a while” Liam hates to tell him and Zayn’s face drops.

“Oh. I thought … never mind. Have you seen Louis?” Zayn is looking everywhere but Liam. Avoiding his eyes, he won’t look him in the damn eyes. Liam has a fairy-tale image of Zayn looking in his eyes and everything suddenly being fixed. Naivety has always been Liam’s worst trait.

As if on cue, Louis and Niall round the corner looking more than relieved to finally be getting out of here.

“You ready?” Louis asks, rattling his car keys. Probably out of nervousness Liam reckons because he’s feeling extremely guilty.

“Yep!” Zayn looks as happy as can be considering he still has broken ribs and a badly bruised head. Niall nudges Liam as if to ask him the same question.

“Well, um see you soon?” Liam turns to Zayn who is too busy trying to fix his watch to look up.

“Sure, see ya”

Liam swallows and follows Niall out of the building.

/

Niall drives mostly in silence, bar humming along to the radio.

“Harry and Josh will be home soon” he tries for conversation but Liam focuses on the road because he knows Niall is suppressing a beam of excitement. He gets like that when Josh is involved and right now Liam is too bitter to enjoy it.

“They’re coming home to great news” Liam remarks sarcastically and Niall winces.

“I told Josh. He promised not to tell Harry because if Louis found out it was my fault -” Niall stops with a shudder which Liam sympathises with. Louis is an evil little fucker.

“What did Josh say?”

Niall shrugs and looks sad. Liam nods his head and falls back into silence until they get to his and Zayn’s apartment.

Niall jumps out of the car before Liam can even stop him.

“Niall go home”

Niall looks hurt which makes Liam feel impossibly guilty but looking up at the fourth floor window makes him stand his ground.

“Well do you want to come stay with me for a bit instead?” Niall offers softly and Liam grimaces at the thought of how Niall illegally stays in a two bedroom apartment with six other roommates.

“Niall, I’m fine” Liam lies through his teeth and Niall looks like he’s about to fight but instead gives Liam one last gripping hug and hops back in his car.

“I’ll be around tomorrow” he says out the window and Liam is left standing outside his flat with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

Taking two deep breaths, Liam roots in his pockets for his keys and opens the door.

//

Zayn sleeps all the car journey back to Louis’ place and when he wakes up it’s not what he’s expecting.

“Welcome to my humble abode” Louis grins and Zayn tries to smile but the small bungalow house he’s standing outside is not Louis’ place.

“You moved?” Zayn gapes at the garden that is long past maintenance.

Louis smiles widely and Zayn doesn’t know how to feel. For years he, Louis and Harry all lived in the worst apartment known to man. They were always looking for ways out and it seems Louis finally got it.

“So where do I live?” Zayn asks, feeling really left out and confused.

“Let’s just get you inside for now” Louis smiles and leads Zayn inside.

Louis rushes in in front of him, scrabbling at pictures on the wall and hurriedly taking them down. It’s ridiculous but Zayn hasn’t the energy to call him out on it.

“You wanna sleep?” Louis offers pointing to what Zayn assumes is the spare bedroom.

“Can I have a cuppa first?”

Louis smiles because no matter what; tea is his forte.

After a few minutes they’re both seated at a rickety coffee table which Zayn doesn’t trust. In fact most things in the house seem broken or old but Louis seems perfectly at home. In a weird way, it suits him. 

“So who else lives here unless you’ve suddenly started wearing clothes like this?” Zayn snorts, nodding at Harry’s fedora that Louis was meant to burn while he was away.

Louis panics, not knowing how Zayn will react to any new news and settles on “a friend”, pushing away the thought of how Harry’s eyes would absolutely kill him if he had heard that.

They make small talk, Louis informing Zayn that he’s now a stage director at the local theatre and Harry works at the recording studio with Niall.

“What does Liam do?” Zayn asks and it hurts Louis to hear and he honestly can’t imagine how Liam is coping right now.

“He um, he does all different sorts of things” Louis fumbles because what he really wants to say is “ _he teaches kids boxing on the side because mostly his time is spent helping you with your magazine because you’re both inseparable_ ”

Zayn is too tired to deal with Louis’ erratic behaviour and takes one more sip of tea before yawning exaggeratedly.

Louis takes the hint and grabs Zayn’s small backpack and leads him to the spare room. It’s a tiny box room with the bed and small wardrobe taking up most of the space.

“Sorry if it’s not as comfy as the hospital bed” Louis tries for a joke and Zayn shifts uncomfortably on his feet.

"Can I -" Zayn turns and Louis is looking at him expectedly. It hurts Zayn a bit that he even has to ask and Louis doesn’t already know.

Louis eyes widen as it dawns on him that maybe Zayn doesn’t want to sleep in that bed. He smiles somewhat awkwardly and Zayn knows that their dynamic has completely changed over the years. It really fucking hurts.

Louis rushes into his room before he lets Zayn in and Zayn laughs against the door.

“You don’t have to clean- it’s just me”

There’s a crash and a thump and a string of expletives before Louis finally let’s him in.

When Zayn lies down he fully expects Louis to get in and join him. It stings when he doesn’t, opting to kiss Zayn on the forehead before switching off the light and leaving Zayn to fall into a restless sleep.

He dreams of sad brown eyes.

/

Zayn wakes with a tuft of Louis’ hair tickling his mouth. He smiles when he feels a small hand on his hip and revels in the warmth of the body curled into him.

It’s the morning and Zayn hadn’t felt this good in a while. He even feels a stir of arousal when he opens his eyes and sees his morning wood digging obscenely into Louis’ hip.

In his sleep Louis rocks against it gently and Zayn huffs out a small breath.

He cards his fingers through Louis’ hair and chances planting small kisses along his jaw. When Louis lets out a small moan, Zayn moans himself and despite the pain in his ribs rolls Louis over to kiss him properly. It’s how he knows Louis likes to be woken.

Zayn kisses him softly at first and when he feels Louis’ own erection rub against him he deepens the kiss. Louis responds, reaching up to cup Zayn’s jaw and Zayn really likes where this is going.

Just as he’s about to rut against Louis, he hears a strangled cry and his eyes spring open. Before he can figure out what’s happening he’s being shoved hard- nearly falling off the bed.

“No no no, I thought you were- oh fuck” Louis panics jumping off the bed and not even looking in Zayn’s direction.

Zayn who is nearly crippled with the pain in his ribs sits up to shoot daggers at his best friend.

“What the fuck Lou?”

Louis is scrambling to put some clothes on. Zayn winces as he gets off the bed and hobbles over to him. He reaches out to stroke Louis’ cheek to calm him down.

It does the opposite and Louis flinches away from him which feels like a punch to Zayn’s gut.

“No Zayn that’s not us anymore ok!” Louis panics, stepping back from Zayn.

“Louis relax-“

“I’m with Harry ok! I’ve been with him for years!” Louis is on the verge of tears and reaches under the bed to pull out picture frames he must have hidden the night before.

Zayn takes them and his heart pinches with jealousy but also relief. Louis and Harry were always bound to be together but looking down at the pictures of them together and looking so in love Zayn can’t help but feel jealous.

“When?”

“We got together at Christmas 2009” Louis sighs, watching Zayn carefully.

Zayn sits back down on the bed and tries his best to remember anything from that time. How can he not remember? He lets out a frustrated growl and flops down, ignoring the sharp pain in his chest.

“This is so frustrating Lou” he whispers in a broken voice and feels the bed dip beside him.

“I know” Louis hums and reaches out to touch him but pulls back at the last minute. They lie close together but to Zayn it feels like miles apart.

“I’m going to collect Harry and our friend Josh at the airport” Louis says after a while.

“I’m happy for you by the way” Zayn says before Louis leaves the room “you got him in the end”

He doesn’t need to look up to see Louis’ sad smile and closes his eyes when the door shuts.

//

When Liam walks into his apartment it is freezing. Nobody has been here for over a week.

He drops his keys in the usual place and toes off his shoes, heart lurching when he thinks of how Zayn always straightens them up when he comes in after him.

He feels a sudden pang of hunger and walks to the kitchen in some hope that there’s something edible.

The plates from the dinner he tried to cook for him and Zayn are still in the sink. He almost laughs when he remembers the two of them waving towels under the smoke alarm and Zayn pretending to enjoy the burnt food he had to scrape off the plate.

He turns on the tap and starts scrubbing the dishes, trying to get the burnt food off but it’s pointless. It’s never going to come off. And maybe Zayn’s memory is never going to come back.

He feels the tears dripping down his face and watches them drop into the water in the sink. He grumbles in frustration at the plates he’s washing in vain and keeps thinking about Zayn’s eyes blank looking at Liam. Or not even looking him in the eye at all.

He screams and throws the plate at the wall, feeling a sick enjoyment as it shatters into pieces and does the same with the other one. He keeps screaming in anger and frustration and eventually breaks down into sobs, folding into himself and holding onto the countertop so he doesn’t fall. He lets it all out, the pain he has been keeping in for the whole week and doesn’t stop until his throat is raw from it.

He walks into the dark sitting room and takes in the wall that Zayn’s been working on for years. Little paintings and doodles he works on when he’s bored and Liam slumps against it, burying his head into his knees.

//

Zayn’s lying on the couch feeling sorry for himself and ignoring the twenty missed calls and texts from his family when he hears Louis’ car pull up. This is then followed by Louis’ loud obnoxious voice lilting in a way that tells Zayn he is lying to somebody.

“You’ve missed a little but not much though” he hears Louis laugh which is met by silence as he turns the key in the lock.

Zayn sits up and watches Louis, Harry and some short blonde guy traipse into the house. Harry is taller and more tanned looking than Zayn remembers and his hair is not as curly as he is used to.

Harry is watching Louis suspiciously and throws his bags down in the hall while stepping out of his boots.

"Hey Zayn! Louis- I know you’re lying" Harry says, hanging his jacket up and folding his arms over his chest.

The blonde guy Zayn doesn’t know sits down beside him and turns to Zayn with a worried look in his eyes. He must be Josh Zayn figures and smiles sheepishly at him.

Louis doesn’t reply and busies himself with making some tea instead.

“What’s going on?” Harry comes over to sit on Zayn’s other side and Zayn jumps when he lets out a large gasp.

“What the fuck?!” Harry shrieks, reaching out to touch the bruise on Zayn’s face.

Louis rushes back into the living room and looks panicked as Harry turns a furious glare on him.

“I knew you were hiding something tell me everything right fucking now!” Harry growls, his hand wrapping around Zayn’s wrist and Zayn almost purrs with the familiarity.

“Well I’m off!” Josh pats Zayn on the shoulder and almost runs out the door but Louis grabs at him at the last second.

“Oh no you’re not Josh you’re staying right here”

Josh looks less than happy but sits back down anyway pointedly ignoring Harry’s piercing gaze.

“Before Louis has a heart attack: I was in a bad fall, I’ve lost five years of my memory and I have several broken ribs!” Zayn announces in a fake cheery voice partnered with a thumbs up. Harry’s eyes widen almost comically.

“Come again?”

“I was in an accident Harry, Louis didn’t want to tell you while you were on holiday” Zayn explains gently and Louis shifts on his feet, hands fumbling in his pockets nervously.

Harry blinks a few times and then stands up abruptly.

“If this is some sick-“

“It’s not”

“What happened?!” Harry starts pacing, running his hands through his hair and glaring at Louis when he’s not looking at Zayn with worry.

Zayn explains with Louis’ help and Harry’s almost on the verge of tears by the time they’re through.

“Zayn I would have come home! And Josh you knew and didn’t tell me?!” He shouts, torn between anger and worry.

“Niall told me things he’d do if I had of told you that I can’t repeat” Josh says grimly and Zayn nearly laughs at how serious he seems.

“And you!” Harry rounds on Louis, towering over him by nearly a foot and Zayn’s jaw drops because Louis actually looks terrified. No matter how small Louis is he normally faces a challenge with his head held stubbornly high. Now he’s looking straight ahead at Harry’s chest, mouth tightly shut and fingers tapping nervously against his leg.

“I um-“

“No Louis! How dare you lie to me about all this! I would have come back as soon as I heard!”

“I know but you were having such a good time and you’ve needed a break” Louis says almost pitifully but Harry’s stance doesn’t falter.

“This is our best friend! And you and Liam! I would have been there for all three of you” Harry throws his hands up exasperatedly and Zayn’s curiosity about Liam grows. Why would Harry name him as being just as important as he and Louis?

“I’m sorry” Louis whispers, finally looking up at Harry with sad blue eyes and if it were Zayn he would forgive him instantly.

“Anything else you want to tell me?” Harry fumes and Louis glances guiltily over at Zayn who squirms when he remembers this morning.

“Can we talk in private?” Louis manages and Harry, after a long dirty look in Josh’s direction, storms into the bedroom waiting for Louis to follow.

They leave Zayn and Josh in an awkward silence.

“So, you really don’t remember me huh?” Josh asks and Zayn shakes his head, wondering whether he should apologise or not.

"Fuck. I hope it all works out, your life is pretty great man!" Josh stands up, looking cheerier than anyone who Zayn’s not remembered as of yet. It’s kind of refreshing.

“Thanks” Zayn mumbles before Josh exits the house.

There’s shouting coming from the bedroom so Zayn switches on the television to drown out the sound. Moments later, Harry comes out with red eyes and grabs Louis’ keys from the table.

“I’m going to check on Liam” he says, without looking back and slams the door.

Louis is standing in the doorway to the bedroom looking incredibly guilty and sad.

“I’m sorry” Zayn says, feeling so guilty himself that he could cry.

“Ah it’s ok. He just needs to sleep everything off” Louis shrugs and wipes his eyes.

Zayn hovers awkwardly, wanting nothing more than to cling to Louis like he would have done normally but now it’s clear that everything’s different.

“Oh, Hardcore Pawn is on. I’ll pop on the kettle” Louis glances at the TV over Zayn’s shoulder before giving him a little smile.

“Like old times” Zayn grins.

“Yep, just like old times” Louis sighs and shuffles over to the kitchen.

//

Liam is on his fifth attempt to sleep and just finishing his third glass of whiskey when there is a bang at the door.

“Go away” he grumbles.

“If you don’t let me in so help me god” he hears Harry’s furious voice through the wood. It’s nearly a relief to hear him and Liam stumbles over to let him in.

It’s clearly been raining and Harry’s standing in the doorway drenched and looking as devastated as Liam feels.

Without both of them saying anything Harry’s steps in and almost knocks Liam over with the ferocity of the hug he gives him.

Liam’s not ready to cry again so he breaks away and closes the door, willing the lump in his throat to dissipate.

Harry pours himself a glass of whiskey and tugs Liam’s flimsy and frankly pointless blanket up to his chin, puts his feet up on the table and lets out a long breath.

“How was your holiday?” Liam tries but his voice is too sore and he just sounds ridiculous asking such a question.

“Fuck off”

Liam shrugs and nods in agreement, plonking down beside Harry and swigs from the bottle.

“Drinking is not the solution to this before you decide to go off the rails” Harry’s warns before taking a large gulp of it himself.

“Yeah I know, but just for tonight it is” Liam sighs and let’s Harry hold his hand until he drinks himself into a stupor.

/

Harry’s put on one of his ridiculously sad playlists and Liam is too drunk to care and is almost laughing as Harry drunkenly re-enacts how he and Josh almost got arrested while in a market.

“Are you avoiding Louis?” Liam asks, interrupting Harry’s attempt at cheering Liam up and Harry’s jaw tightens.

“Yep”

“Harry he had your best intentions at heart and I didn’t tell you either are you mad at me too?”

“Liam you had far bigger things to worry about and that’s not the only reason why” Harry grumbles and then his eyes widen and he starts fumbling around with his iPod like he’s said something wrong.

“Why else?”

“Nothing important” Harry lies. Liam can always tell when Harry’s lying; his cheeks are burning red and his left hand is tugging furiously on one of the few curls left in his hair.

“ _Harry_ ” Liam says in a warning tone and Harry looks like he’s about to pass out with panic.

“Liam you’re taking advantage of my drunken state” Harry laughs nervously “and it’s our business ok”

“Harry you look too guilty for it to just be your business. Tell me” a sense of fear grows in Liam and he almost knows what Harry’s about to tell him.

“Well it’s just… Zayn still thinks that y’know-” Harry breaks off and looks like he’d rather die than finish his sentence.

Liam stands over Harry threateningly knowing full well that this tactic will work.

“Well he still thinks he and Louis sometimes you know… help each other out and this morning well um you know”

Liam’s heart is about to rip out of his chest and Harry needs to finish telling the story before he goes on a murdering spree. Harry glances up at him and winces at Liam’s expression.

“Zayn started kissing him and Louis thought it was me so kissed him back for a few seconds and then woke up properly and nearly killed him and he’s really sorry ok” Harry says all in one breath and Liam’s own breathing has become too short.

Liam stumbles over to where Harry flung his jacket and starts searching for his keys.

“Liam what’re you doing?” Harry asks, walking over to block the door.

“I’m going over there to kill them” Liam replies shortly, feeling triumphant when he finds the keys.

“Liam you’re too drunk and it won’t end well no fucking way” Harry panics squaring up when Liam comes over to the door.

“Move Harry”

Harry shakes his head, eying Liam in fear because Liam’s arms are about the same width as Harry’s whole body and there’s a look in his eye saying nothing will stop him.

“I need to go punch your boyfriend in the face and then my own” Liam growls and Harry straightens up.

“There’s no way in hell I’m letting you drive like this or punch Louis in the face”

Liam balls his fists and tries to push Harry aside but Harry stands his ground.

“Liam listen, Louis made a mistake and Zayn… He’s not himself Liam” Harry says gently, trying not to show that he’s actually terrified right now. “He’s not himself and you going out drunk in a car is not helping anyone. We need to be there for him”

“He doesn’t care if I’m there for him or not” Liam retorts, tears springing to his eyes with the words.

“He needs you. Whether he knows it or not yet. He always needs you”

Liam looks at Harry and nods, mouth clenching shut and tears spring from his eyes.

“He needs all of us” Harry wraps his arms around him. Liam slumps against him, body heaving with sobs and they slide to the floor, Liam resting his head on Harry’s lap while Harry holds him as tight as he can.

//

Zayn wakes up on the sofa to the front door opening and Harry stumbling inside. He’s clearly drunk because less than thirty seconds later he’s already bumped into four things and either curses or giggles in response.

“Harry?” Louis comes out of the bedroom and his voice doesn’t sound like he’s been sleeping at all. Zayn tries to ignore the stupid jealousy he feels over Louis waiting up for someone else.

“Louisssss” Harry responds, arms reaching out and Louis immediately steps into them.

“You’re drunk”

“Yep and I love you”

Zayn tries to force himself to sleep or at least ignore them but they’re mere inches away.

“I’m sorry for all this” Louis sighs and Zayn hears a kissing sound.

“Let’s just focus on Zayn and Liam for now. Also you might want to avoid Liam for the next few days” Harry says and they walk into the bedroom before Zayn can hear anymore.

He doesn’t sleep well after that and doesn’t even bother going into the shitty spare room bed.

He dreams of music and laughter and feels so happy he could burst.

/

Zayn’s glad to see Harry hasn’t changed much in his five year memory gap, walking in on him cooking while fully naked.

“I missed you” Zayn laughs, slapping Harry lightly on the bum as he passes him to get to the fridge.

“I _miss_ you” Harry mutters softly and Zayn looks over the door to see a sad smile looking back.

“Have I really changed that much?” Zayn sighs and scratches at the bandages covering his ribs.

“Not really I mean, you’re kind of nicer now and you know, things have worked out for you. I wish you could remember that”

Zayn feels frustrated because yeah that’s all he wants and he can’t stand all this disappointment he’s creating.

“Maybe I should go back to wherever I lived” Zayn says, wanting to try help trigger some memories and get away from this house.

“Liam would like that”

Zayn’s eyebrows knit together in confusion and Harry’s mirror his.

“I live with Liam?”

Harry’s mouth opens and closes and then his nostrils flare and his cheeks flush. Instinctively Zayn backs away because that’s a tell-tale sign Harry is about to explode.

“Louis Tomlinson!” He basically screeches and storms past Zayn into the bedroom.

Zayn shakes his head and focuses on keeping what looks like an omelette Harry was cooking from burning. Through the walls he can hear the couple shouting and Louis grovelling and it’s all a bit annoying.

Eventually Harry comes out with a pair of boxers on and Louis follows looking exhausted.

"Harry says you want to go home?" Louis asks lightly, falseness dripping from his tone.

“And apparently my home is with Liam?” Zayn retorts in a deadpan voice because he’s honestly over all the bullshit.

“Yep you two are roommates I just thought it would be weird telling you that on the first day you know?” Louis looks nearly too eager for Zayn to believe and Harry’s furiously shuffling the contents of the frying pan.

“Ok well yeah I’ll go back there. You guys clearly need some time alone and I don’t really like that bed anyway” Zayn shrugs watching as the two instantly appear guilty.

“We don’t want you to leave” Harry says and Zayn shakes his head. He needs to go.

“I’ll call Liam then” Louis pulls out his phone and Zayn goes to pack his measly few things.

//

Liam’s head is pounding when he wakes up. It doesn’t help that someone is also pounding on the door and really he’s had enough of visitors.

“Fuck off” he shouts pulling the covers over his head and blesses Harry for dragging him to an actual bed last night. He was too tired and drunk to focus on the fact that Zayn’s side was still unmade and smelling like him.

“Let me in you fucking cunt I’m freezing me bollocks off out here” he hears Niall shout and he coughs up a laugh and stumbles out of bed to let him in.

“Louis has been ringing you where’s your phone?” Niall barges in, already searching through the fridge before Liam can even think.

“It’s dead why what does that prick want?” Liam grumbles, remembering what Harry told him the night before.

“Harsh but warranted I suppose. Anyway I suggest you ring him back” Niall replies, stuffing his hand into a box of stale cereal and eating it dry.

Liam’s too hung-over to question Niall any further and finds his phone to plug it in. Louis answers the call on the first ring.

“I know you hate me right now and I’ll make it up to you but Zayn wants to go home” he says in a rushed voice and Liam’s stomach bottoms out.

“He said that?”

“He said he wants to trigger his memories”

“Did you tell him about me and him?” Liam’s mouth is dry and Niall watches on curiously.

“No, I didn’t know if you wanted to or not so I just told him you were roommates”

“Roommates” Liam deadpans and Niall winces at the word. “Well I can deal with that for now; give me an hour to get the place ready”

“Ok and Liam? I’m sorry”

Liam just nods his head, knowing that somehow Louis will know and hangs up the phone.

He turns to Niall who has his sleeves rolled up and hair pushed back with a hairband that seemed to have appeared from nowhere.

“Let’s do this” he says and Liam grins weakly, pushing back the nausea threatening to take over him.

/

Fifty minutes later Liam, well Niall, has moved all of Zayn’s personal stuff into their spare bedroom and tried to make it look like his as much as possible. Without Niall’s help Liam would have broken down by now but he’s happy enough with the result.

 

“What about this stuff?” Niall asks about the heap of photos, boxes and other things that signify Liam and Zayn were ever a couple.

“I can’t keep them here. Zayn’s a nosy git any chance he’ll get he will be rooting through this whole apartment” Liam sighs fondly and ignores the sad look in Niall’s eyes.

“I can bring them to Josh’s next time I go over there, he has loads of storage boxes because he’s a freak” Niall offers in a fond tone of his own.

So Liam helps Niall carry the stuff into his car, both of them pretending that Liam isn’t crying as he does so.

Louis’ car pulls up when they’re finished and Niall gives Liam a short but fierce hug.

“See you later ok” and stares at Liam intensely. After years of knowing Niall he understands that it must be an Irish thing to nod at someone intensely a few times and for it to actually mean a thousand different things. This time he knows exactly what Niall is trying to tell him and smiles gratefully at him.

“Home sweet home” Louis announces their presence loudly and Liam bites down on the jealousy as the image of him and Zayn kissing comes to his mind.

“Nice hairband” Zayn laughs at Niall and to see him laugh at all makes Liam smile. Niall laughs and flips the bird before driving off in his car shoving his head out the window and singing along loudly to whatever’s on the radio.

“Hey” Liam waves awkwardly and feels just as stupid as he did the first time he ever met Zayn. It’s hard not to; he’s gorgeous and has an air about him that leaves everyone wanting to know more. The type of person that leaves Liam a shy and embarrassing mess.

“Why didn’t you tell me we lived together that’s a big deal man” Zayn huffs out a laugh and Liam shrugs, rubbing his neck and avoiding Louis who is clearly trying to catch his eye.

“Need any help?” Liam nods to the bag in Zayn’s hand and Zayn shakes his head politely.

“Here are the keys, let yourself in to apartment 20 on the third floor I just need a word with Louis” Liam hands Zayn the keys, careful not to make skin contact or he might do something irrational. Like jump his bones in the middle of the street. 

Louis looks terrified as Liam smiles sweetly at him before Zayn disappears from sight and leaves the two of them alone.

“Liam” Louis says in warning and holds his hands up as Liam steps closer to him.

“I know you didn’t do anything on purpose but I will kill you if it happens again. With my bare hands”

“Fuck sake calm down this is me you’re talking to! As if I would ever do that to Harry or you” Louis looks genuinely offended and Liam steps back a bit.

They stand in silence for a few minutes before Louis reaches out and squeezes Liam’s shoulder.

“If you need anything at any time ring me ok. He’s a bit… unpredictable at the moment”

Liam sighs and stares up at the window Zayn could be looking out.

“Why the fuck is this happening to him? He doesn’t deserve this” Liam chokes and clenches his fists because god dammit how much can someone cry in such a short amount of time.

Louis shrugs and looks equally as angry and confused as Liam.

“Just do what you do best and things might work out”

“And what’s that?” Liam scoffs.

“Loving him” Louis shrugs, offering one last smile before getting in his car and leaving them to it.

/

Zayn is hovering awkwardly in the hallway when Liam walks in and it’s so disorienting to see him not look like he belongs here; here in their own home.

“This is your room” Liam leads Zayn to his fake bedroom and Zayn looks less than impressed.

“Clearly my taste got worse” Zayn laughs and throws his bag down on the bed. Liam files away the insult for Niall later on.

“So we must be great friends yeah? I mean we live together”

Liam nods and wishes he hadn’t finished off that whiskey last night. “Are you hungry? I can make your favourite”

“Lasagne?!” Zayn grins widely and Liam laughs.

“You had a bad experience with lasagne a few years ago; it’s changed to steak and kidney pie”

Zayn wrinkles his nose but nods anyway.

“Can you tell me the experience? And maybe some other stuff” his voice is quiet and shy and the way he’s sitting on the bed Liam can’t help but let his imagination take a dark turn. The first time Zayn asked Liam to fuck him he was sitting exactly like this- unsure and shy but determined. 

Liam coughs violently into his hand and rushes into the kitchen to prepare the food.

“Sure just sit at your seat and I’ll spill”

Zayn follows him, glancing around the apartment curiously as he does so. He traces his own drawings all over the walls and Liam watches him smile proudly as he reads his own signature on them all.

“I actually hang my own art up now?”

Liam nods instead of blurting out ‘ _yes because every time you paint something I’ll only give you head if you promise to put it up_ ’. God, what the fuck is wrong with him?

“This is cool! What is it?” Zayn points at his first ever magazine cover they printed out in huge size and hung on the wall.

“Um why don’t you sit down and I’ll answer all your questions” Liam points at Zayn’s usual seat at the dining table and pops the pie in the oven.

Zayn looks so eager as he listens to Liam’s carefully edited stories, glancing around at everything with bright eyes and an even brighter smile.

“Josh was right!” He grins after finding out about his job as a professional comic artist “my life is great!”

Liam’s wants to bang his head against the table and cry or else leap across it and just kiss Zayn until he remembers who they are but he just has to sit and let his heart break by the second.

After they eat, Zayn rifles through the DVD collection.

“So do you have a girlfriend?” He asks Liam who nearly chokes on his tea.

“Um no, do you actually think I’m straight?!”

Zayn blushes and looks back towards the DVDs. “Sorry. Louis always says my gaydar is fucked. Do you have a boyfriend?”

Yes. A fiancé. It’s you. I’m impossibly in love with you remember? “Nope”

Zayn hums and raises his eyebrows, causing Liam to raise his own.

“You look surprised” Liam can’t help the childlike thrill from the flirtatiousness of it and feels ridiculous that they’re back to this.

“Well you’re not unattractive and I live with you so you must be a great guy too” Zayn shrugs and honestly Liam doesn’t know how he’s doing this.

“It’s complicated” Liam waves his hand hoping Zayn will give up but Zayn cocks his head, looking even more curious.

“Do we all fuck?”

Liam chokes yet again on his tea and bursts out laughing. “What gives you that impression?!”

“Six gay guys who are friends are always bound to end up fucking” Zayn shrugs and Liam laughs again.

“1. Niall and Josh technically are not gay and 2. You watch too much of The L Word”

“Niall and Josh are in love though?” Zayn asks so innocently and Liam wishes that their own love was as obvious to him as the two idiots they’re friends with was.

“They just don’t know it yet”

Zayn hums again and picks out The Dark Knight which is exactly what Liam knew he would chose.

“So who am I in love with?” Zayn asks and Liam feels like Zayn has got his memory back and is just fucking with him in a sick joke. “I mean I wouldn’t ever hang up my paintings or would have even bothered pursuing my dream career unless the right person was behind me” Zayn speculates and this is so unbearable that Liam can’t do it.

“No idea! Anyway I’ve got plans so I’ll catch you later?” Liam rushes to his room, ignoring the guilt as Zayn looks a bit put out. He gets ready in record time and doesn’t glance back on his way out the door.

//

Zayn remains on the floor, flipping the DVD case over and over before he sighs and splays out on the carpet. It’s comfortable and he lies on his back staring around at all his paintings.

He can’t really get over the fact they’re hanging there for the world to see. He used to draw in secret and shove his art pads under his bed so nobody could see. It was so private and special to him.

He’s convinced he must be in love. Because that’s private and special too right? He knows it can’t be Louis, they were never like that and he has Harry now anyway. It’s obviously not Niall or Josh. Liam seems to hate being around him so it cannot be him. He figures everyone is keeping something from him. He hates that.

He decides to snoop, rooting through every inch of the apartment looking for some hint to Zayn’s life. He paces past Liam’s door mulling over the pros and cons of going in or not. The only con is pissing the guy off so Zayn shrugs and opens the door.

It’s a bit miserable. Curtains drawn shut, empty beer cans and bottles lying on the floor. Used tissues flung everywhere- the guy is a total slob. Zayn glances around the room and figures he will find nothing here and decides to lie on the couch for the rest of the night, wracking his brains again to try to remember. 

/

He isn’t sure how long he’s been asleep when the door bangs open and Liam stumbles in piss drunk.

He jumps, nearly falling off the sofa and watches as Liam struggles to close and lock the door. Zayn huffs and walks over, reaching around Liam to help him lock it.

“Fuck you scared me!” Liam shouts turning around and Zayn grimaces at the smell of alcohol from his breath.

“You scared me too!” Zayn hisses and finally moves Liam enough to get the door locked.

Liam leans against the door and stares at Zayn through drunken, half-lidded eyes. Zayn feels slightly uncomfortable but remains rooted to the spot. There is something about the way Liam is looking at him that leaves him standing inches apart from his face. Liam is attractive, readable brown eyes and full pink lips that stretch into a smirk as Liam watches Zayn scan him. 

Liam leans in and Zayn holds his breath, veins thrumming with apprehension. Liam brings a hand up and strokes Zayn’s jaw; the touch making Zayn hold his breath. It’s so… Zayn can’t put a finger on it. He wants to say familiar or intimate but he doesn’t _know_ Liam and yet he can’t help but shudder under his touch. Suddenly Liam’s eyes change from excited to sad. 

“So beautiful” he whispers, removing his hand from Zayn’s jaw and slinking out from under him to stumble into his room.

Zayn lets out the breath he was holding in and leans against the door in exasperated confusion.

/

Zayn’s whistling as he cooks pancakes the following morning and tries not to laugh when Liam appears in the kitchen.

“Mornin’”

“Fuck off” Liam grumbles and holds his head in his hands.

“Like some pancakes?”

“Fuck. Off.”

Zayn laughs and steers Liam towards the table, handing him a cup of coffee.

“You must have really banged your head you’ve never liked the mornings! Ever” Liam complains in a whine and Zayn laughs again.

“Mate I still hate them but I love being right more!”

Liam raises his head and Zayn has to admit he looks good considering how hung-over he is. His hair is all tussled on one side and his face is creased from the pillow.

“And what’re you right about?” He asks in a curious croak.

“About how we all must fuck”

Liam blows on his coffee before taking a sip, signalling to Zayn with an eyebrow to continue.

“To be honest I thought you were going to fuck my brains out when you got home last night!”

Liam chokes- violently. Zayn rushes over to pat his back but Liam moves away from him like Zayn has some king of disease. He also looks terrified.

“I … I don’t remember” Liam mutters and Zayn folds his arms across his chest.

“You came home and -“

Liam puts a hand up to shush him and inspects Zayn closely, as if searching for some kind of mark he could have left.

“Don’t worry- nothing happened” Zayn frowns, feeling annoyed for some reason.

Liam looks relieved and it only annoys Zayn more.

“You’re the worst single gay roommate ever!” he groans and Liam looks wounded. “It’s not like I said I tried to kill you last night Jesus man no need to look so horrified!”

“I’m not horrified” Liam mumbles and Zayn just keeps feeling more and more annoyed without knowing why.

“I mean we live together, apparently we are both single; I’m sure we fuck when we are bored”

Liam frowns deeper and straightens up, Zayn trying not to feel threatened as he clenches his fists over and over.

“I’m not Louis! This is now Zayn and that type of shit just doesn’t happen anymore!” He practically shouts and Zayn steps back, highly offended. He could shout back something wrathful but that’s not how he works. He’s cunning and cruel and for some reason he knows exactly what to do to piss Liam off.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that and I’ll prove you wrong!”

“I’m not having sex with you” Liam breathes out and looks like Zayn has punched him right in the stomach.

Zayn snorts cruelly. “I wouldn’t dream of it, don’t worry. I’ll just go out tonight instead” he grins and storms into his room, trying not to think too much on the expression on Liam’s face as he slams the door.

/

“And why can’t I?!” Zayn hisses down the phone to Louis as he glances at his reflection in the mirror. He still has a bump and ugly cut on his head, a black eye and his skin is still pale and sickly looking. He’s baffled as to how a drunken Liam could find him beautiful. He shakes that memory out of his head and snorts at the irony of wanting to lose a memory at this time. 

“You’re still not well you can’t be going out to get drunk and fucking a randomer” Louis sighs and he can hear Harry singing in the background. He’s probably in the shower.

“When did you get so boring?!”

“Listen to me Malik! I am not boring! If you want to go out fine! But I’m coming with you” Louis snaps and Zayn grins at his reflection. Louis is still as easy to wind up as ever.

“Fine” Zayn snaps pretending to be annoyed and Louis tells him he’ll be there in fifteen.

Liam is sitting on the sofa, chewing at his thumbnail and staring at the blank television. He looks worried sick but Zayn forces himself to believe it’s his hangover.

Liam’s eyes skim over Zayn and Zayn can tell the moment he realises that he’s being serious about going out.

“You can’t get drunk Zayn” Liam says and it’s almost like he’s pleading with Zayn not to do this.

“I won’t but I can still have a good time! See ya later” Zayn smiles and waves, slinking out the door. He feels a weird pleasure at Liam sickened expression. It’s like he’s jealous, Zayn thinks and for some reason that spurs him on.

//

Liam doesn’t know how long he sits there for but he feels too sick to move. He’s furious both with himself and Zayn and just the whole fucking world.

He’s not surprised when a few hours in to his masochistic silence he hears two strong knocks at the door and a lot of giggling.

“Go away Niall and Josh” he shouts at the door because he is fine here in his misery and doesn’t need them.

“Misery loves company” Niall sings like he’d been reading Liam’s mind. Liam curses the whole five steps to the front door and glowers at the two lads. They’re practically matching; Niall wearing his favourite green snapback, plain white top and black tracksuit bottoms while Josh wears the same outfit sans hat. They’re grinning and holding a 12 pack each and Liam hates how they’re impossible to say no to.

“We heard Mr Grumpy is out on the town so we are bringing the party to you” Josh flops down on the sofa, puts his feet up on top of Zayn’s magazine stash and Liam takes satisfaction from thinking about how annoyed Zayn would be by that.

"Some party this will be" Liam grumbles just to be difficult but soon he’s laughing as Niall uses his sweeping brush as a stripper pole and makes over-the-top thrusts while blaring 80s rock music.

“Hey was that the door?” Josh says in between laughing at Niall and he’s right, Liam hears voices outside the door and the key scratching in the lock.

Without turning the music down they huddle by the door and listen to what is clearly Zayn and Louis arguing. Along with another unknown voice.

“You cannot do this” Louis is hissing and Zayn’s clearly trying to get the key in the door but Louis is stopping him.

“Why the fuck not? What is your _problem_ these days?!”

“Maybe the fact that you nearly died last week or hey what about the fact you have severe amnesia? Maybe because you’re being an absolute twat, I could go on?”

“You have amnesia?” asks an unknown male voice that makes Liam’s stomach churn uneasily.

“Louis I can’t change what happened and suddenly develop my memories back I wish I could but I can’t and that’s pissing me off. But it’s certainly not going to stop me from fucking Jack here”

Niall gasps and pushes Liam away from the door like he hadn’t heard it and to stop him from hearing it. But Liam pushes him back and stands up to stare out the peep hole, fingers shaking as he holds the door for balance.

Zayn is standing in front of a tall guy with brown hair wearing a ridiculously expensive looking jacket and is ridiculously good looking too. Louis is opposite him, a hand on his hips barricading the door with what Liam imagines is a sour expression on his face. He feels a strong rush of gratefulness towards him. 

“Liam come away” Niall drags him and Josh leans up on his tip toes to peer out himself.

“This can’t happen Niall, this cannot happen” Liam starts to panic and he’s glad Niall has a firm grip on his shoulders because he feels faint.

Niall is muttering something about deep breaths when he asks Josh to take his place. He huffs and switches his snapback from front to back. He takes a deep breath before yanking open the door and striding out, slamming it behind him.

Liam and Josh look at each in panic before rushing over to take turns looking out the peephole.

Niall is staring at everyone with a fierce expression on his face and he easily pushes Zayn to the side.

“You!” Niall points a finger at ‘Jack’ who towers over Niall by at least a foot but cowers away anyway. “Get the fuck out of here! Now!”

He turns to Zayn then who is about to open his mouth in protest but Niall clips his ear and everyone’s mouth drops open in shock.

“Niall just hit Zayn!” Liam hisses at Josh whose eyes widen and mouth twitches in a smile. Liam feels a weird bubble of laughter grow in him too but his heart is beating too fast to allow it to surface.

“Get in there now!” Niall growls and Liam grabs Josh by the elbow, scampering away from the door before it bursts open. Zayn storms in, red in the face with anger. Niall follows like an army captain and Louis trails in after, waving cheekily at the shocked Jack who starts to make his way back down the stairs.

“Your boyfriend is a fucking psycho!” Zayn yells at Josh who is closest to him and Josh turns beetroot and stares at Niall for help.

“Get over yourself Zayn! We’ve all been tortured for weeks wondering whether you’d live or die- fucking sick out of our heads and you don’t seem to give a shit! Yeah you might not remember some of us but we remember you so stop being a selfish prick and take our advice when we give it to you!” Niall shouts and the whole room rings with silence.

Zayn squares up and his mouth opens and closes on a stubborn argument before he gives up and slumps against the wall. “I just wanted to have a good night; you’re all treating me like a baby!”

“It’s for your own good” Louis snaps and his hair is more out of place than usual like he’s been pulling at it in frustration.

“And how is fucking some guy bad for me?” Zayn asks, glaring at each of them and Liam avoids his eyes because Liam knows how easy he is to read. Zayn will read his jealousy like an open book. 

“It’s just stupid and you’re ribs are still sore” Louis offers and it sounds pathetic but Zayn shuts up all the same.

The music is still playing and it makes the atmosphere worse, tension filling the place along with the heavy guitar and high notes.

“We better head off” Josh mutters. He is red in the face and he looks pleadingly at Niall who is still furiously staring at Zayn.

“You ok?” Niall asks. Liam is pretty certain he’s asking him but Niall’s blue eyes are still focused on the wary looking Zayn.

“Yeah it’s fine, go” Liam answers weakly and Niall nods before pointing a finger menacingly at Zayn and following Josh out the door.

“What is with him?!” Zayn breathes out in relief when the door closes and Liam feels a pang of annoyance.

“I’m going to bed I’m sick of you” Liam sighs and ignores Zayn’s bewildered and hurt face.

It is hours before Louis leaves, the quiet sound of him and Zayn arguing into the night keeping Liam awake and wishing he were anywhere but here.

/

Zayn’s pacing the hallway outside Liam’s room the following morning and stops once Liam exits.

“Listen I’m sorry about yesterday! I’m lashing out because I’m so frustrated by all this” he says in a rush and judging by his fidgety hands and wide hazel eyes Liam knows he’s being sincere.

“No worries” Liam answers and slips past him, trying to ignore that spark he feels when his arm brushes off Zayn’s.

“I don’t know you that well yet but I can tell you’re a bit…. uptight when it comes to sex so I’ll keep a lid on it from now on” Zayn says to Liam’s back in the kitchen and Liam almost yanks the kettle from the wall.

He wants to turn to Zayn and scream at him that no, he’s not uptight about sex and he’d love to just storm over and push Zayn against the wall and show him all the ways in which he is completely not uptight.

Instead he turns and grins falsely. “How nice of you”

Zayn frowns and throws his arms up in exasperation. “I just can’t do anything right can I?”

Liam feels pity for him then. For so long Liam’s only truly been feeling sorry for himself. It’s almost like he’s lost Zayn completely and his crying at night has been for them, not for Zayn himself. He thinks about how horrible it must be for Zayn and what it must be like to find out your whole life is completely different to what you imagined it to be.

“I’m sorry. I know this must be so hard for you; it’s hard for all of us. We all just need time to adjust I suppose” he offers and Zayn leans against the fridge and nods his head.

Liam finishes making them both a coffee and when he walks out of the kitchen his heart races when he catches Zayn eying his arse. He is only wearing boxers after all and Liam has to hand it to himself- he looks good.

“And I’m really not uptight about sex” he calls back and grins wildly when he hears Zayn drop something and curse under his breath.

//

It’s been three weeks and according to the doctors and Zayn himself, Zayn is showing no signs of regaining his memory. His ribs are healing nicely and he no longer experiences blinding headaches. He’s not sure how to feel about that, he kind of thought the headaches were part of him gaining his memory back. No such luck.

“I’m doomed” he groans as Liam drives him back from the hospital. He looks just as mournful as Zayn feels.

“There’s still hope Zayn don’t give up” Liam sighs weakly and Zayn notices how white his knuckles are on the steering wheel.

“Hey are you ok?” He asks Liam softly, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder when they’re stopped at a traffic light. Liam flinches like Zayn’s hurt him and his bottom lip is red raw from where he’s been chewing it.

“Aren’t you the one people should be asking that to?” He laughs quietly but the laugh doesn’t extend to his eyes. It’s the first thing Zayn’s learnt about his roommate. Liam’s eyes are his mouth. Everything Zayn needs to know about him he can tell through his eyes. He wonders if that’s why Liam doesn’t make eye contact much- so Zayn can’t tell what he’s feeling.

“You don’t look good man” Zayn says, taking in how Liam’s hands are now shaking and his chin is quivering like he’s about to cry.

Liam shakes his head and the traffic light turns green, cars behind them honking their horns and pulling past giving them the finger as they do so.

“Liam its ok, just pull in and I’ll drive ok?”

“You can’t drive the doctors said it’s too dangerous” Liam says through gritted teeth and his chest is moving wildly and Zayn has a feeling he’s watching him have a panic attack. Liam still has not moved the car and another red light comes around.

“Pull in!” Zayn almost shouts, starting to worry himself when silent tears start falling from Liam’s eyes.

Liam stays rooted to the spot, staring blankly ahead with his mouth firmly shut. Zayn curses and hops out of the car, ignoring the cars behind them. He runs around to Liam’s side and pulls the door open, unfastening Liam’s seatbelt. After a lot of struggling, Zayn gets Liam out of the car and sits him on the footpath.

“Wait right here” Zayn pants, jumping into the car and pulling in to the nearest space which is thankfully right outside a shop. He runs in to grab Liam a bottle of water and returns to him sitting in the exact same position at the side of the road.

“Drink this mate” Zayn sits beside him, rubbing his back while Liam sips at the water with shaky hands and lips.

“Liam what’s going on?”

Liam shakes his head and clenches his eyes shut. He whispers something that Zayn can’t make out before taking a long gulp of water.

“I can’t hear you” Zayn squeezes his shoulder for reassurance.

“My mum” Liam mutters and Zayn thinks that maybe Liam’s heard some bad news while he was in the doctor’s office.

“Is she ok?” Zayn prompts.

“I need her” Liam whispers and Zayn’s out of his mind about what is going on. He just keeps rubbing Liam’s back, sending a quick text to Louis about where they are and to come quick.

Liam still hasn’t calmed down by the time Louis gets there and Louis’ eyes widen dramatically at the sight of them.

Zayn tells him what happened and Louis’ face remains frustratingly hard to read. He hands Zayn his phone and tells him to ring Karen, to come get Liam as soon as possible. Zayn moves away from the pair- Louis crouching beside Liam and whispering something to him.

The phone rings a few times before a friendly sounding woman picks up.

“Hello Louis dear!”

“Um hi Karen?” Zayn answers awkwardly.

“Zayn my love is that you?!” She almost squeals and Zayn can’t help but grin wildly even though he has no idea who the woman is.

“Yep that’s me!”

“You’ve no idea who I am do you?!” Karen asks and she sounds delighted rather than devastated or freaked out like everyone else.

“No I’m sorry I don’t!”

“This is Liam’s mother, how is my son?”

Zayn’s heart strangely aches and he feels like he misses this voice and craves a hug from her though he can’t even picture her face. Maybe she’s like Liam with longer hair.

“Um not so good that’s why I’m calling.”

“Tell me” her voice changes from warmth to authority and Zayn can almost picture her stopping whatever she was doing and picking her car keys up from wherever they are.

“We were driving home from the hospital and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself because the doctor said my memory is showing no signs of returning and Liam had like, a weird panic attack in the car. He’s saying he needs you” he rambles, feeling strangely at ease and able to talk to her.

“Oh my poor boys” she sighs and sounds so full of sadness that a lump rises in Zayn’s throat. As he watches Liam curl into Louis and hears Karen tell him she’s on the way; he longs to know these people.

He hangs up but watches the two before returning to them. Liam has his back to Zayn and his face is buried in Louis neck. Louis looks like he’s crying himself and his hands are tight around Liam’s back. Zayn is struck with a strong burst of love. He knows this is about him in the least arrogant way possible and it fucking kills him. He feels both loved but also responsible for their pain and his whole body aches with it. Louis looks up and catches his eye, offering Zayn a sad and private smile.

“Karen’s on the way” Zayn announces and Liam stiffens in Louis’ grip like he is embarrassed for Zayn to see him this way.

“We better wait at your place” Louis says and the two of them help the frighteningly pale Liam up and back to the car.

“I’m sorry” Liam says, looking anywhere but them as they buckle him into the back seat. Zayn can’t help it but he strokes Liam’s jaw in what he hopes is a soothing way and feels even worse when fresh tears spring to Liam’s eyes.

He looks to Louis in panic and Louis just sighs and gets in the driver’s seat.

The whole drive there is silent and Zayn can’t take his eyes off Liam in the rear view mirror. He looks utterly devastated and Zayn wants to crawl back there and cling to him, make sure he’s ok. The strength of that need shocks him and again he is left frustrated by his memory and mystery over what this boy means to him.

/

Liam lies down on the couch while Louis packs a small bag for him.

“Why is he the worst? I mean you’re my best friend and you’re not reacting half as bad” Zayn whispers.

“You two are very close Zayn; he’s just not ready for this. None of us are but he’s just… a more emotional person”

Zayn wants to call bullshit but he’s too worried Liam will overhear and returns to the living room.

Moments later the buzzer rings and Karen is soon walking into the apartment and looking at Liam with the same worry Zayn saw in his own mother’s eyes the day he woke up in the hospital.

He still has that urge to hug Karen and now that she’s standing in front of him, looking so motherly and loving Zayn automatically wraps his arms around her. She reacts warmly, pulling him in tight and holding him there for a few seconds.

“You’re very missed son” she whispers and Zayn pulls away and sees eyes almost identical to Liam’s. They’re sad, unbelievably so and Zayn has to look away.

“Thank you” he says, unable to come up with anything else and helps her rouse Liam.

Liam grips his mum fiercely and Zayn watches helplessly as she takes him out of the apartment and leaves him and Louis in an almost stunned silence.

“Want to stay with us?” Louis offers but Zayn shakes his head, feeling more exhausted than he has in a very long time.

“I need to sleep” he admits and Louis nods and claps him on the shoulder.

“Don’t worry about him, he’ll be fine” Louis sighs before leaving.

Without thinking or even knowing why Zayn replies to the shut door “I always do”

//

The trip to his parent’s house is quiet. He pretends to sleep most of the way even though Karen knows fine well he’s acting.

It’s a relief being back in his home. With the familiar sounds and smells; even seeing the pictures of him and Zayn on the walls don’t make him feel as lost as he thought they might.

“Welcome home son” his dad pulls him inside handing him a cup of tea straight away, turning off the footie match playing on the television. He loves it here and he knows he made the right choice even if it was the last resort.

Nothing is said about Zayn all through dinner. Instead they fill him in on his sisters and what they’ve been doing.

However, he knew the inevitable was coming and when he’s unpacking his few things Louis shoved in a bad for him his mother comes in and sits on the bed.

“What happened today sweetheart?”

Liam folds his things meticulously and talks, not wanting to see his expressions reflected on her.

“The doctors told Zayn his memory isn’t coming back. It’s been three weeks mum- it probably never will”

“Says who?”

“Well it’s common sense- the longer it goes on the worse it gets”

“You’re not the expert, you have to keep hope”

“False hope is worse than anything”

“Liam Payne I did not raise a pessimist”

Liam throws his jeans on the floor in fury.

“I have to face it Mum! My own fiancé is probably never going to remember me!” He shouts and his hands are trembling and his mother doesn’t respond, just looks at him as if to continue.

“He _won’t_ remember me!” He screams and he should be embarrassed that he’s roaring at his own mother and his Dad is downstairs and can obviously hear him too.

“I rather he had died than this” he sobs and his mother’s face hardens at that.

“Don’t you _dare_ say that! Even if he doesn’t remember Liam, I fully believe you two are meant to be. He’ll grow to love you again”

“Oh bullshit. I want my Zayn I don’t want this new version of him, looking at me like I’m a fucking freak! I hate him now” Liam shouts and he knows everything coming out of his mouth is irrational and his Mum knows fine well too.

“He’s still your Zayn”

“No he’s not. He’s gone Mum. His eyes…” Liam trails off and can feel that need to cry but his eyes remain dry like he’s cried all his tears out these past few weeks.

“Oh baby” his Mum is crying for him and he wants to tell her not to call him that, remembering Zayn laughing silently the first time he introduced him to his parents and she had called him that. He had been so embarrassed but now he lets her hold him and cry onto his shoulder. It must be heart-breaking for her too, she loves Zayn and she was a huge part in helping them plan their wedding.

“This is the worst feeling in the world. I’m sad for everyone” Liam admits, rubbing her hair as she stops crying.

“Me too honey. I talk to Trish most days. She’s at a loss of what to do or even say”

She pulls away from him, wiping her eyes hastily. Liam knows how much she hates to cry and would hate for her husband to see her red eyes.

“Stay for as long as you need to” she squeezes his arm and leaves Liam alone to think in his childhood room.

/

He wakes up to an alarming 16 missed calls from Niall and calls him back straight away in a panic.

“Payno!” Niall answers in a cheery tone and annoyance creeps up on Liam as he properly wakes up.

“You rang?” He drawls but Niall remains sunny as if he hadn’t scared the wits out of Liam.

“Yeah I heard you went to Karen’s without me! Not cool man you know I love it there!” Liam grinds his teeth at the multiple times he’s heard Niall refer to Karen as a MILF- second to Anne of course.

“So that’s why you called me sixteen times?”

“Yep”

There’s silence except for music playing on Niall’s end and Liam ends up smiling because fuck it- he loves the kid.

“Want to come over?” He sighs and hears Niall’s beam in his voice.

“You betcha! Josh is organising some party for the others but I wouldn’t mind skipping it. I’ll explain why when I get there”

Liam just sighs happily and hangs up; rushing downstairs to let his parents know their favourite person is coming to visit.

//

The apartment feels weird without Liam’s presence. 

Zayn has weird dreams sometimes that he’s too afraid to think too much on. He had one where he and Liam were sitting cross legged opposite each other on the sofa, each with a bottle of whiskey in hand. Every time one of them made a noise they had to take a shot. The twist was that they were trying to turn each other on and Liam kept winning because he kept stroking or licking that spot on Zayn’s shoulder that just made him lose his mind each time. It was a very vivid dream and Zayn can’t help but think of it now as he sits on the sofa in question.

He leans back against it and closes his eyes hoping to drift off to sleep. As he does, he has images of strong arms lifting him, soft lips kissing him all over and gorgeous brown eyes clenching shut as the pink lips gasp his name over and over again. He jumps awake, blushing furiously as he finds himself hard and hips twitching with the need for friction.

He yelps and runs to the shower, quickly jacking off and feeling confused and mortified as he comes with Liam’s name on his lips.

/

“You ready to part-ay?” Harry waltzes in to the flat, wearing a ridiculous Hawaiian shirt and lae, reminding Zayn of a film he must have watched years ago.

“What’s that film where a guy is dressed exactly like you are now?” Zayn ponders and Harry’s eyes widen comically.

“The Social Network? Dude that only came out about 3 years ago”

“Nah it must be something else” Zayn waves him off, not recognising the name and refusing to get his hopes up.

“Where’s Lou?” he changes the subject because Harry is looking at him like an unhinged person. As always Harry’s expression softens at the nickname.

“Already at Josh’s. Apparently there was a Niall emergency and Josh needed girl talk” Harry says, completely seriously and Zayn snorts at how ridiculous his friends seem to be.

When they arrive Niall’s car is gone and the place is decorated a bit pathetically. Josh is drinking straight from the bottle and Louis is already dancing on the sofa. There’s nobody else and Zayn has to laugh and their definition of a party.

He and Harry immediately start into their cheap bottle of tequila and are soon dancing like idiots themselves. 

“Hey Josh, where is your spare alcohol in case we run out?” Zayn asks, laughing when Harry trips on his way to the bathroom. 

“Oh it’s in my spare room but just ask me when you want some because that room is locked” Josh says quickly, blushing like Zayn has asked to see his private porn collection. Zayn ignores it and continues pouring the drink into his red plastic cup.

Zayn’s dancing (when did he get so good?) is interrupted by his phone vibrating in his pocket. He checks it just in case it is something important and frowns at the name of the person who has messaged him. He shouldn’t be surprised anymore when he no longer recognises names and decides to check who it is.

**Hi Zayn, I know it is late but an issue has come up about your marriage certificate, could you ring me when you’re free?  
-Julie**

Zayn sits down. He breathes. He read the message again and his heart starts racing. Before he can panic or think too much, he hits call and presses the phone heavily against his ear.

“Hi Zayn sorry if I woke you” answers a friendly female voice and Zayn’s voice catches in his throat. 

“This is about your marriage certificate, I was –“

“Marriage?” Zayn finally opens his mouth and it’s dry and his hands were shaking and fuck why did he drink so much tequila.

“Yes” she sounds confused “Your marriage to Mr Payne”

“My… my marriage to who?”

“Mr Liam Payne?” 

“Liam?” Zayn breathes out and laughs in shock because this is definitely a prank or something. 

The music has been shut off and he watches in what feels like slow motion as Louis runs towards him, tackling him to the floor and trying to grab his phone. 

“What the fuck!” Zayn yells, anger swooping in his stomach as he tries to pry his phone back. He can hear the woman’s voice calling his name through the phone. 

Louis’ face is pale but that determined look is in his eyes and Harry and Josh watch with their mouths hanging open. 

“Give me my phone Lou” Zayn growls and he’s shaking, voice trembling from the strength of it. 

“He’ll have to get back to you miss” Louis says quickly into the phone and hangs up, leaving the room in a charged silence. 

Zayn stares Louis down but gets as good as he gives and he notices Harry and Josh sneaking off in the corner of his eye.

“ _Louis_ ”

Louis’ eyes are glistening and Zayn doesn’t know what the fuck gives _him_ the right to get upset. Louis sighs and flicks his fringe out of his eyes and doesn’t say a word. Nobody tells Zayn this is a joke, that the phone call he just had is not real. He feels the tequila he drank come rushing back up his throat and runs into the bathroom.

//

When Niall had arrived he’d been “starving” so spent over an hour “helping” Karen cook in the kitchen and then ignored Liam’s inquisitive looks all through dinner.

Now they’re finally alone in Liam’s tiny bed where Niall can’t escape.

“Tell me why you’re avoiding the party and why you’ve escaped to my home only to ignore me and the problem at hand”

Niall laughs and then his cheeks flame up and he buries his head in Liam’s pillow.

“I’m so mortified I could kill meself” he shouts into the pillow and kicks his legs like a teenage girl at a sleepover.

“Niall you’re bizarre” Liam offers lying on his back and grinning because he knows exactly what’s coming.

“Me and Josh were having a stupid argument about plates or something so I told him we might as well be a married couple and then he got all embarrassed and stammery and cute that way he does so I snogged the bloke! Full on snogged him! Tongues and everything!”

Liam bursts out laughing and doesn’t stop until Niall punches him in the stomach, winding him into silent laughter.

He steals a look and Niall is leaning up on one elbow, looking like a child whose sweets have been stolen but he’s biting down on the familiar smile. It’s impossibly cute.

“Sorry, sorry. What happened then?” He asks, swallowing the giggles.

“Well he shoved me away because duh we are both straight-” Liam bursts out laughing again, this time so hard that Niall finds it impossible to not join in.

“Niall you’re so far gone for that fool that the only thing straight about you is your hair”

Niall’s mouth drops open and he looks confused and Liam howls again because really his friends are morons.

“But Josh- he’s straight?!”

“Niall no he is not!! He’s probably just as stupid as you are and thinks _you’re_ not into him”

“I’m so confused” Niall whines and flops down onto the pillow and pinches Liam who is giggling again.

"You know usually lads have their gay crisis years earlier than this!"

“But I love tits!” Niall exclaims “and I thoroughly enjoy fucking girls!”

“Well what do you think about fucking Josh?”

“Don’t talk about him like that” Niall scorns and Liam laughs again.

“I love you so much” he says before turning off the light, falling asleep in the happiest mood he’s been in a month. 

/

It’s all ruined a few hours later when he’s woken by Niall shoving him in the arm.

“There’s an emergency at Josh’s” he’s hissing and immediately Liam jumps out of bed.

“Is Zayn ok?!”

“I think so I don’t really know Harry just rang me begging us to come over”

Without looking at the time he and Niall rush to get ready, Liam leaving an apologetic note on the kitchen counter for his parents.

The light is meek outside, the sun hardly up yet and Liam figures it must be 6 am or earlier. Niall drives like a madman, Liam fearing for their lives in the shitty rusty box screeching up the road but images of Zayn with blood coming from his nose, mouth, ears are flooding up his mind.

“Zayn’s fine- Harry would have said if it’s something serious” Niall says and it always freaks Liam out how Niall does that; seems to read Liam’s mind and know exactly what to say to help calm him down.

Liam just nods his head and continues checking his phone and biting his nails. It takes Niall twenty minutes to get there compared to the usual forty but the roads are mostly empty for this time on a Saturday morning.

When they get there it feels like they are stepping in to a warzone. Harry and Josh are sitting like schoolchildren who are about to get in a lot of trouble while they watch Zayn and Louis shout mindlessly at each other, the two of them fighting over a phone in Louis’ hand. 

“You!” Zayn snarls when they walk in, pointing at Liam. Liam steps back automatically, heart thumping at the tone of Zayn’s voice. He’s only ever heard him this angry once and frankly it scares the shit out of him. Zayn strides over and grabs Liam’s collar, making the much bigger Liam feel tiny and scared. 

“Leave him Zayn!” Louis snaps and throws the phone at Harry who hides it under his legs with a fearful look in Zayn’s direction. 

“Someone better start telling me the truth right fucking now” Zayn growls and Liam looks over at Louis who is biting his lip with worry. 

“What happened Z?” Niall steps over and puts his hand over Zayn’s on Liam’s collar. Instantly Zayn’s hand relaxes and Liam thanks the gods for Niall’s gentleness. 

“I don’t even know because that prick stole my phone!” Zayn shouts, staring Louis down. 

Liam’s heart in his throat and his head is racing with all the possibilities of what could possibly be making Zayn this angry.

“I got a phone call” Zayn says, voice quiet and shaking and he sits down on the arm of the sofa. He looks pale and frightened and exactly like he did the day he woke up in the hospital. “About my _marriage certificate_ ”

Liam’s eyes widen and he ignores the stares from the others. This is not happening. 

“To you apparently Liam” Zayn says in a fake sweet voice but the silence that follows is anything but.

Liam feels like he is under a spotlight, everyone staring at him and he has absolutely nothing to say. His brain has turned into fuzzy static out of panic and shock.

“Will someone please answer me?” Zayn says weakly and he looks so broken that Liam’s heart lurches painfully in his chest. He moves to hug him because ever since this whole thing began that is all he has wanted to do. Hold Zayn in his arms. But he stops because Zayn is radiating aggression and the last thing he needs is to set him off again.

“Zayn, I- I don’t know what to say” Liam breathes out and Niall starts ushering everyone into Josh’s bedroom clearly ignoring the blush that’s been on Josh’s face since they arrived.

“Well you better think of something because I am three seconds away from a breakdown” Zayn stands up and begins pacing in front of Liam- a nervous habit of his that Liam has always hated. 

Liam shakes his head and looks Zayn in the eye properly. “You won’t understand” he says and knows that Zayn will hate that. He will feel belittled.

“Fuck you” Zayn hisses and towers over him.

“I can’t tell you” Liam says, his voice breaking into a whisper and he tries pleading with his eyes but Zayn remains firm. And Liam wishes he could, wishes he could sit Zayn down and tell him everything but the very thought of that makes Liam’s whole body freeze up.

Zayn’s eyes blaze with fury and Liam looks away.

“I’m out of here. Until someone fucking tells me what’s going on don’t speak to me again” Zayn shouts in frustration, grabbing his jacket and phone that Harry left on the sofa and storms out of the flat.

//

Zayn is lost but doesn’t care. He can’t drive so he walks to the town by himself. He is confused and furious and can’t piece anything together. He finally finds a 24 hour cafe on the outskirts of their town and orders the strongest coffee they have to offer.

He sends a message to Sam, the woman who had been rudely hung up on by Louis.

**Hi Sam, sorry about last night is there any chance you can message me the details?**

He hopes that’s good enough because he has nothing else to say that won’t give away the fact that he has no clue what is going on.

**No problem Zayn! I was just going to let you know that the day you and Mr Payne were due to sign your marriage certificate has been cancelled and it has been pushed back by seven days. Is this ok with you?**

Zayn’s eyes skim the message several times before he orders another cup of coffee and switches his phone off completely. 

Zayn looks down at his ring finger and doesn’t see any signs of there being a band there. Or maybe he was the one who asked Liam to marry him. The very thought makes Zayn’s whole head surge with the confusion of it all. There is no way he could be engaged. To Liam. And if he is- why the fuck did nobody tell him. 

He feels sick to his stomach and his head is pounding, the coffee only making it worse.

He wracks his brains for anything, almost tearing his hair out to just fucking remember. How can he forget something like that? Loving someone. Loving someone so much he wanted to marry them. Loving Liam.

The more he thinks about it, the more it makes sense. Living at the apartment, Liam’s pain nearly seeming worse than Zayn’s. Their stuff must be hidden somewhere, one of the guys taking it and hiding it. He thinks about Josh’s reaction to Zayn possibly going into his spare room earlier and suspects it might be there. 

He can almost understand why they’d lie to him about it but it doesn’t make it any easier. How can anyone explain that to him? How can he be expected to hear that kind of news?

“Are you ok sir?” The waitress asks and Zayn didn’t realise he has been crying. He nods and wipes his eyes, embarrassed and finishes his coffee quickly so he can leave the café.

He needs answers. He calls his mother and tells her he’s getting the next train home. She sounds delighted but Zayn is anything but as he leaves the town and heads home.

/

“Darling!” His mother greets him at the station but that worried look is in her eyes and he hugs her feebly as she opens the passenger door for him.

“Your father and the girls can’t wait to see you! We’ve missed you”

Zayn doesn’t reply, just opens the car door and slumps in. There’s silence on the drive home and his mum seems nervous. He wouldn’t be surprised if one of the boys had already informed her of what had happened.

When he gets home his sisters smother him in hugs and kisses and he revels in it, still finding it weird how big they are now. His Dad claps him on the back and the same worry is in his eyes that are in his mothers. He feels a stab of guilt for not contacting them in such a long time.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. It’s just hard is all” he whispers, tapping on his head and swallows a lump when his mum’s eyes fill with tears. “I’ve been a right pain”

“Now now that’s all in the past! Its dinner time” she grins, wiping her eyes and leading the way into the kitchen.

At least at home nothing has changed ritually, the food is still good, the atmosphere better and although Safaa is basically a stranger to him now, only remembering her as a baby, he still loves them all fiercely.

When dinner is finished and everything is cleaned up, Zayn sits down with his parents and switches off the television.

“I’ve come here for a reason” he says and eyes them seriously. “Tell me about Liam”

They glance at each other worriedly.

“Honey it’s not our place-“

“Please mum, please don’t lie to me” Zayn begs in a whisper and he’s so fed up and exhausted. He needs to hear the truth.

His mother seeks permission from his father who shrugs helplessly. She gives a resigned sigh. “What do you want to know?”

“Am I engaged to him?”

She nods her head, eyes filling with tears and Zayn can hear his own heart beating.

“When did I meet him?”

“Five years ago”

Zayn’s palms are sweating and he licks his lips nervously. This is all too much. Way too much.

“Is he the reason I started drawing professionally?”

“Yes darling, he’s so supportive” his mum was wiping away tears now but Zayn is in overdrive and it is impossible to come up with his own.

“How much….how much do I love him?” Zayn asks, knowing that nobody could answer that except himself. His father stands up and walks across to his mother, wrapping his arm around her as she tries to hold in her tears.

“You love him more than even I can understand” he says sincerely and looking at the two of them and hearing his Dad say those words bowls Zayn over. If he wasn’t sitting down he’d collapse.

He lifts a shaking hand and wipes his forehead, feeling so overwhelmed. “I need to sleep this off” he mutters.

He’s too faint and terrified to move that he lies on the couch, eventually drifting off and feels his father carry him up to his own bed at some stage in the evening. He dreams of happiness in holding a strong and familiar hand.

//

Liam wakes up after a meagre two hours sleep and looks around the room. Harry and Louis are curled up together on the couch, Niall is asleep at the island in the kitchen and Josh is nowhere to be seen- probably in his own bed.

He’s groggy and disorientated and he wishes that he could clear his mind of what had happened.

“Lou?” Liam tries to wake Louis up without annoying him or waking up Harry in the process. He needs someone right now.

After nudging the part of Louis that isn’t engulfed with Harry, Louis’ eyes finally form baggy-eyed slits. He’s about to shout about the heinous hour but then his eyes readjust and he realises its Liam. He sighs heavily and carefully manoeuvres out of Harry’s grip. It’s like watching a mother handling her new-born the way Louis carries on.

“Let’s go” he whispers and Liam doesn’t even ask to where, just follows Louis out of the flat and down to the car.

In the car Louis blasts the heat and turns the volume to minimum on the radio.

“Wanna get a McDonald’s breakfast?” He asks and his voice is still croaky from sleep.

Liam simply nods and rests his head against the glass, thinking about nothing other than Zayn while Louis goes to the drive thru and makes his order for him.

"So what’re you going to do?" Louis asks halfway through chewing his first bite of his egg mcmuffin.

Liam shrugs because right now his brain is just white noise and Zayn’s face right before he left.

“Well. Zayn knows now so you need to find him”

Liam nods, wincing as his food gets wedged in his throat. He takes a long gulp of Coke while Louis continues talking.

“Then you’re going to explain everything to him. Calmly”

“No can do”

“Liam-“

“No Louis I cannot tell Zayn how much we loved each other”

“Love each other”

“ _Loved_. I am still in love with him of course but he doesn’t feel the same about me and I’m no longer engaged. This is something we are all going to have to deal with” Liam snaps.

Louis rolls his eyes. “Enough with the dramatics Li! You’ve given up on him and that’s really not fair”

Liam throws his hands up in exasperation. “I haven’t! I’m being realistic Louis it’s been nearly a month and he still thinks he’s in love with you, not me”

Louis’ jaw twinges in annoyance at that fact and Liam can see the guilt in his eyes. It’s not Louis’ fault but there is resentment there and both men know it.

“He was never in love with me” Louis eventually says quietly and Liam snorts.

“And the pope isn’t Catholic”

Louis eyes involuntarily fill with tears and he finishes his burger and drink before he speaks again.

“You still need to talk to him. He deserves answers”

Liam sighs because Louis is right. He always is.

“I don’t know where he is. He wouldn’t have gone back to our place”

Louis looks at Liam like he’s an idiot.

“Where does Zayn usually go when he’s having a hissy fit?”

Liam knows this is more than a hissy fit but instantly sighs and nods.

“Let’s go”

//

Zayn wakes to the smell of his mother’s cooking which is always an instant comfort. He smiles and reaches over in his bed to cuddle into-

He stops because his mind goes blank and he realises there is nobody there. He’s almost convinced it was Liam he was thinking of.

It takes another few seconds and an instant headache before Zayn remembers. He scrambles out of bed and makes his way downstairs.

“Hey Z” Safaa waves and looks at him unsurely. His head thumps as he looks at her because the last time he remembers her he was holding her in his arms, tugging on childish pigtails while she giggled into his neck.

“Fuck” he grimaces and holds his hands against his temples.

“Honey what’s wrong?” His mother makes a beeline for him but he shakes his head.

“I’m fine; it’s just everything that’s going on. I just need to eat and relax” he mutters and everyone watches him closely, acting like he could drop dead at any moment. It pisses him off.

After breakfast Zayn is so wound up, everything he learned the night before is giving him such a strong headache that he’s almost sure he’ll pass out. He decides without telling anyone to go out for a walk, he can’t deal with their worried looks for one more second.

Every step he takes out in the cold air doesn’t help. His mind floods with images he doesn’t even know are real or not. He can imagine the day Liam proposed to him but doesn’t know how he actually did. He can imagine being with Liam, it’s not hard. He always thought he was attractive and kind, but doesn’t know anything they’ve really done together. He can imagine, with a blush, fucking Liam or kissing him or touching him but he doesn’t know what that really feels like.

He realises he’s walked around in circle and when an image of Liam giggling into his shoulder before gasping with pleasure takes over his thoughts he stops walking and curses loudly at the sky. He hits his head in frustration and angry tears threaten to spill.

“I love you Zayn”

“I…. don’t know what to say!”

“Usually you say it back dummy”

“I love you. I love you Liam” 

He pulls at his hair, they won’t stop coming and he can’t help it. He wants to know everything that’s happened in the past five years but can’t take all these images his mind is relentlessly throwing at him.

_“I- I love you ah fuck yeah right there”_

_“Liam… now is not the time, fuck… for niceties”_

_“Mmm but it’s t-true”_

_A sweaty Liam gripping his shoulders and biting the side of his neck, moaning in his ear._

“Stop stop stop” Zayn whimpers when heat pools in his stomach but his head pounds even harder.

_“Will you marry me?”_

_Brown eyes, full of so much love that Zayn wants to look away but it’s for him, just for him and he can’t. This look is his. The eyes might change and belong to Liam but that fucking look is his and he wants it forever._

_“Y-yes Liam yes oh my god yes!!”_

_The smile is his too because it’s shaky and relieved but wide and genuine. The lips that kiss his in celebration are his too. Fuck it everything about Liam is his and now it’s going to be his forever._

“Fuck fuck help” Zayn gasps and stumbles into his garden wall, gripping his head and trying to do anything for the pain and images to stop.

He doesn’t see the car pull up but hears Louis and Liam’s voices, shouting and asking him is he ok. He’s not sure if that is even real or not. He squints and sees Louis, feels that old love stirring in his heart and his stomach sinks. So much for his memories returning when he still feels hopeless love for this idiot. And then there is Liam. Liam’s looking at Zayn likes he’s about to break and Liam can’t help. He feels something for him but he can’t put his finger on what it could be. His own heart aches for Liam. This is all way too much.

“Are you ok? Zayn?” Louis worries and reaches out to touch him.

“My head” Zayn gasps and flinches out of Louis’ reach; everywhere is hurting him.

“Let’s get him inside” Liam says and two arms are suddenly around him, guiding him through his front door.

/

Zayn wakes up on the couch and his head feels relatively better. He sees a large pack of painkillers and pint of water on the table beside him and smiles gratefully.

“Was worried about you” he hears and turns his head to see Liam leaning against the doorframe. He looks exhausted with huge black rings under his eyes.

Zayn doesn’t answer but sits up and pats the cushion beside him. His heart bounces when Liam takes the offer.

“We obviously need to talk” Liam sighs and rests his head against the back of the couch, looking sideways at Zayn like he’s terrified Zayn will kill him.

“You need to sleep first”

“But-“

Zayn lifts a finger in warning and hesitantly rests his head on Liam’s shoulder. If Liam is surprised he doesn’t say anything and after a while Zayn feels him loosen up and then there are soft snores filling the air.

/

“How long have we been engaged?” Zayn asks Liam as soon as his eyes open. He’s been watching him sleep for the past few hours and his patience ran out long ago. He doesn’t want to give Liam time to adjust.

Liam rubs a hand over his face and takes a drink from the water Zayn had earlier. Zayn notices his hands are shaking and his leg is jiggling up and down so he places a steadying hand on his knee to try help calm him down. 

“Six months”

“How did you propose to me?”

“Um I took you to your favourite place and asked you there. It was freezing out” Liam says and he’s smiling fondly but the pain is there in his eyes. “Wait, how did you know _I_ asked _you_?”

Zayn ignores him, ignores the memory threatening to return from earlier.

"Is my favourite place still that secret waterfall in the country?"

Liam nods his head and reaches into his pocket. He withdraws a ring, beautiful and golden. It’s simple and Zayn can tell it’s his.

“How did I react?”

“You freaked out and tried to shag me on the spot after saying yes about 100 times” Liam laughs and then goes red when he realises what he’s said.

“This is insane” Zayn groans and stares at Liam. Properly inspects him to try and see exactly what it is that Zayn loves about him about what could make him want to spend the rest of his life with him. 

“Stop it” Liam snaps and his eyes look away from Zayn’s.

“What?”

“Looking at me like you’re trying to figure me out. Like you don’t know me” Liam looks furious and Zayn is so sad about this. Sad that’s he is sitting across from the love of his life and he doesn’t even know the guys middle name.

“How did we meet?” Zayn changes the subject and notices Liam’s fists clenching.

“Louis introduced us”

“As friends or was he introducing us on purpose?” Zayn sighs because knowing Louis he was probably trying to set them up from day one.

“A bit of both. He was trying to get you off with anyone because he wanted Harry” Liam spits and Zayn is almost hurt but takes it because Liam is venting and hurt and he can’t even imagine what he’s feeling right now.

“I’m not in love with him or whatever” Zayn mumbles because it is true. He always wanted to be in love with Louis. Life would probably be easy. But Louis has always Harry’s from the day they all met. 

“You don’t have to explain yourself Zayn.” Liam sighs and he looks to be at his wits end. “Look this is too much for me I can’t sit here and tell you things about us it’s too hard”

Zayn nods his head but feels desperate when Liam starts to stand up.

“I have dreams about you!” He blurts and Liam sits back down, looking wary but interested. “I doubt they’re memories but yeah”

“What happens in them?”

“Just normal things. Talking, cuddling, fucking” Zayn admits because he has a feeling there’s no shame between the two of them but Liam blushes all the same.

“I want to remember you Liam” Zayn tries and reaches out and grabs Liam’s hand. He doesn’t know where that came from but for the past months now he has been unable to shake the feeling of longing when he looks at Liam. Taking this information into account makes it even stronger. “Help me to” he whispers and carefully traces each line on Liam’s left palm. Liam’s eyelashes flutter closed. 

“You know, once you drew the palm of my hand from memory. Every single line” Liam whispers and his voice cuts off into a choked whisper. Zayn looks up and Liam’s eyes are clenched shut and he breathes out heavily when Zayn presses down on his wrist.

“I want to love you Liam” he admits and is only hit now with how true it is. Liam opens his eyes and they’re inches apart. Maybe it’s because of all the weird images Zayn was struck with earlier, maybe it’s because Liam’s hand is so warm in his own but Zayn tilts his head up and kisses Liam’s jaw softly.

“Zayn no” Liam whispers but Zayn kisses it again. He trails down, kissing along Liam’s jawline to his neck, daring to poke his tongue out and leave a wet line running down his vein.

Zayn pulls away and doesn’t give Liam time to react before locking lips with him. He interlocks their fingers with the hand he is holding and he pulls Liam in closer by the back of his neck with the other. Liam whimpers every time they break for air and Zayn’s veins are thrumming with want.

He climbs into Liam’s lap and opens his mouth, hearing a soft moan as his tongue explores Liam’s.

“Zayn…” Liam pulls his head back but Zayn grinds down into his crotch and feels himself start to harden as he watches Liam’s mouth drop open and feels large hands grasp his back. Right over his shoulder blades, fitting over them perfectly like they were made specifically to cover all of Zayn.

“This is familiar” Zayn hums as he keeps grinding down and licking Liam’s neck. He revels in the fast pulse at the side of his neck and the hard dick rubbing against his own.

“We can’t” Liam breathes but grabs Zayn’s ass to pull him in closer. “We shouldn’t!”

Zayn feels desperate. He needs this and he needs Liam. He thrusts harder, biting down on Liam’s shoulder and laughing when Liam chokes on a moan.

“What the fuck!”

Liam practically throws Zayn off and they both look up to see Louis staring at them in shock. Zayn’s heart is racing and he almost yells at Louis to fuck off so they can finish what they started.

“Fuck!” Liam stands up and fixes himself, eyes darting everywhere and Zayn can tell he is bordering on panic.

“Again: What the fuck?!” Louis gapes and Zayn starts to feel guilty and ashamed. His pulse slowing but turning into a quick rhythm of fuckfuckfuck.

“Liam-“

“No Zayn that is fucked up! _This is fucked up_!”

“I know. I’m sorry” Zayn admits and feels his face turn red in embarrassment. That bone deep embarrassment that will stay with him for weeks to come every time he remembers this moment.

“We have to go.” Liam announces and rushes off to find his jacket.

A familiar small shadow looms over Zayn’s chest and he looks up to see Louis glaring at him.

“We are trying to help you Zayn and trust me, I want you to get better more than anything but that boy’s heart is already broken please do not make it worse” Louis eyes are judgemental, like he thinks Zayn has taken advantage of Liam. And that is not what he was doing; he doesn’t know what he was doing but knows that is not it.

“I don’t know what to fucking do!! I want to love him I want to remember but I can’t!” Zayn shouts, standing upright so Louis doesn’t have the arrogance of height.

Louis’ expression softens and he wraps his arms around Zayn’s waist.

"I know babe" he sighs into Zayn’s shoulder and Zayn stares over his head at Liam who doesn’t even look back as he leaves the house.

//

Liam slams the door to the car and fixes himself. He’s furious. Even more so because his whole body is still yearning for what just happened. It has been a month and to feel Zayn’s perfectly soft lips against him, to feel those legs around him and that ass in his hands…

“Fuck” he yells, punching the dashboard. 

He glares at himself in the rear view mirror and turns on the radio when he spots Louis walking towards the car. There is no way he will be able to talk about what just happened.

“Just drive” he snaps when Louis gets in, ignoring those piercing blue eyes and keeps his own trained on the road above them.

Louis sighs but does as he is told and soon they’re outside Louis’ place. Liam is about to leave for his own home but Louis gets a strong grip on his arm and leads him inside. He sits Liam down on the couch and busies himself with some tea before sitting on the shaky coffee table at Liam’s eye level.

“What the fuck Li?” Louis asks but he’s not angry, he looks weary and worried more than anything else and Liam instantly relaxes.

“We um, we were talking. I told him a bit about our engagement and next thing I knew he was kissing me. I couldn’t say no Louis” Liam says and wishes he could describe the desperation he feels to just have a glimpse of what he and Zayn used to have. Feeling Zayn against him like that was that glimpse he needed. 

“You’ll only get hurt” Louis whispers and leans across to squeeze Liam’s waist. 

“I already am,” Liam sighs “what happened to not giving up?” 

Louis trains his most serious look on him. “That is not what I had in mind”

“I know Louis, nobody knows the protocol here do we?”

“No babe, no we do not” Louis says heavily and hands Liam his tea with dull eyes.

//

Zayn holes himself up in his room. He ignores his parents’ pleas to talk and his phone constantly buzzing with new messages and missed calls.

He feels like an idiot. He didn’t know what he was thinking, climbing Liam like that and kissing him. No he did know- he wanted it. God did he- but he knew there was more at stake here. He knew that Liam wasn’t just some random that Zayn could fuck and then forget about.

 _Liam was his fiancé_.

His fiancé that he may not remember but he certainly won’t fuck over. He knows he cares about Liam and maybe it’s not in the way anyone wants him to at the minute but he’s trying.

He sneaks a glance at his phone and it’s mostly Louis and Harry and one from Niall which just consists of an angry and sad emoji. He laughs softly and his head pulses with pain.

_“Mate that is sick” Niall laughs but his eyes are wide with shock as he stares at the drawing Zayn is showing him._

_Zayn can’t help but beam in pride at his own work. For the first time ever he is 100% happy with it._

Zayn holds his head between his hands and grasps at the image to try see the painting his mind is annoyingly blanking out.

He can still see Niall’s shockingly blue eyes staring at it. He feels like he’s in a dream and that painting is what he needs to see but he can’t get at it. His head is fucking killing him.

"Mum?" He gasps when it feels like thousands of needles are jabbing his brain, trying to pick him apart.

"Mum!" He calls a little louder and his door bursts open.

He hears her but not properly, her voice is tinny compared to the roaring in his ears. He makes out the word hospital but can’t even bring himself to fight. He feels more than one pair of arms guide him out of the house and into the car- he is too afraid to open his eyes.

"Don’t worry son we’ve got you" he hears his dad say before he passes out in the back seat.

/

_When’re you going to show him?”_

_"The wedding"_

_He sees it now. A drawing so breathtakingly intimate and so him. It’s he and Liam, foreheads pressed together and eyes squeezed tightly shut but wide smiles crinkling the sides of them. They’re both topless and Liam has a firm grasp on Zayn’s shoulders while Zayn gently cups Liam’s jaw with one hand and has his other resting on Liam’s hip._

_Zayn recognises his own artwork. The quick dabs of paint, mismatched strokes and interesting variety of colours. He can even tell that he took his time with this and that he drew it completely from memory._

_"It’s so…. I’m jealous man" Niall laughs softly and Zayn nudges him gently._

_"Hey you’ve got music, I’ve got art"_

_"No I’m jealous of this" Niall mutters, pointing at where Zayn and Liam’s hearts would be in the painting._

Zayn wakes up with a gasp, feeling groggy and weird but his head is clear except for the surge of excitement and panic over that dream he just had.

"Zayn you’re ok you’re in the hospital" his mum rests her head against his forehead but he’s pumping with adrenaline and can’t focus on her.

"I need to talk to Niall"

"Honey you need to rest"

"Mum I think I just got a memory I need my damn phone" he says urgently, foregoing the shame at cursing at his mother and sits up to reach around for his phone.

Instead of berating him, his mother yelps and rushes through her bag for her own phone, thrusting it in Zayn’s hand when she finds it. 

"His number is in there" she says and her eyes are wide and hopeful and if this is fake, if these images he is getting are not real, Zayn doesn’t know what he will do. 

Niall doesn’t answer and Zayn growls before trying again. His heart is beating furiously in his ribcage.

"Trisha? Please don’t tell me-" Niall finally answers in a panicked voice.

"Niall it’s me listen," Zayn hears Niall let out a huge sigh of relief but charges on "did I show you a painting I did for Liam recently? A wedding gift?"

The few seconds Niall remains silent feels like decades and he starts anxiously biting his nails much to his mother’s chagrin.

“Yes?” Niall’s holding his breath; Zayn can tell.

"Tell me what it was"

Niall breathes out heavily and then describes it. He describes it as best as he knows how and his voice is as soft and full of wonder as it had been in the dream. Zayn feels like he’s choking on the hope crawling up his throat. 

"Jesus"

"Zayn what’s… what’s going on?"

"I remembered it"

He hears Niall breathe in again and they’re both silent for a long amount of time.

"Now Zayn, are you sure?" Niall asks calmly but Zayn has a feeling that on the other end Niall is probably doing flips around whatever room he is in.

"Niall I remember it" he says firmly and hears a sob fall out of his own mouth.

"Oh Z… where are you? I’m coming"

Zayn smiles into his hand and tells Niall he’s at the hospital but begs him not to tell anyone about this.

It’s under half an hour when Niall bursts in, wearing pyjama bottoms and a hoodie having clearly just gone straight from his place to the hospital. Zayn just laughs.

"What’s happening?" Niall asks, eying the drip Zayn is hooked up to suspiciously.

"I keep having weird seizures as the doctor calls them. I get these images in my head that give me really bad headaches. The drawing was one of them"

Niall sits down on the chair Zayn’s mother had vacated as soon as Niall came in. He runs his hand under his douchey snapback through his unruly blonde hair.

"Is this a good thing? The seizures?" Niall looks so concerned that Zayn’s heart swells for him. He fights numerous images making their way into his brain.

"I’m not sure yet the doctors are doing tests now but they fucking kill me" Zayn winces, feeling a surge of pain as he sees Niall’s blinding smile and laugh in his brain.

"I’ll wait with you" Niall says firmly, staring Zayn down in case he thinks about saying no.

Zayn knows then what this boy means to him. He can’t explain how but he knows he loves the little shit with all his heart and squeezes Niall’s hand to try convey that.

Niall smiles tightly and squeezes Zayn’s hand right back.

/

Too long a wait later Zayn’s doctor re-enters the room. He has Zayn’s file in hand and his face is unsurprisingly stoic. Zayn can’t tell what kind of news he’s about to hear.

"Mr Malik, your CAT scans show surprising results in terms of the time between now and you’re accident. You’re showing signs of an amnesiac patient in recovery"

The whole room collectively hold their breath while the doctor barrels on.

"The headaches and flashing images you seem to be getting are common factors in a recovery. I’ll prescribe you with an adequate painkiller to deal with this pain"

"So I’ll make a full recovery?"

"That remains unknown. Only you will know the answer to that in due time" the doctor answers and nods his head once before ducking back out of the room.

Nobody speaks for a few moments and Zayn shuts his eyes and squeezes both his hands together to stop them from shaking.

"Zayn?"

He opens his eyes and his parents are hugging and Niall is beaming so widely that’s it is impossible not to grin back.

"Hey let’s not get our hopes up too much ok" he murmurs but can’t stop grinning and he can’t stop thinking of the one person he wants here right now.

"Can you call Liam?"

Niall’s eyes water and he nods his head, bounding out of the room with his phone in hand.

//

Liam wakes up in between Harry and Louis in their bed and doesn’t let himself be embarrassed that they’re cradling him like a child. He’s allowed have this.

Everyone’s phone is ringing on and off. He reaches over to the bedside locker to grab one of the offending objects.

“‘Lo?”

He’s responded with a cursing Irish voice shouting and panicking and Liam really needs a strong cup of coffee before he can deal with that lunatic.

"I’ll ring you back Niall" he yawns.

"Liam James Payne so help me god if you hang up on me I’ll fucking kill ya but not before I grab your balls-"

Liam cuts off the phone because he doesn’t have the time for this. He’s exhausted and sore from the position he had to sleep in and his emotions are at an all-time low. Yes he may be wallowing in self-pity but fuck if he doesn’t deserve it.

He’s into his second cup of coffee when Josh bursts through the front door looking like he ran all the way. Liam looks out the window and doesn’t see Niall’s car and realises he must have. His friends are honestly crazy.

"Liam…. you… your phone… what…" Josh pants, leaning down to rest his hands on his knees and Liam watches on with mild amusement, ignoring the faint alarm bells going off in his head.

"FUCK" he hears Louis shout from the bedroom, a thump and a moan of pain from Harry and soon the two of them are running into the living space too.

Louis and Harry eye Josh with panic in their eyes before the three of them turn to Liam.

Liam feels the coffee stick in his throat and he sees a thousand different scenarios in which Zayn is lying dead and alone somewhere.

"What happened him?" He manages to gasp as his vision becomes clouded with tears.

"Liam its fine its good news come on we need to go -now-!" Josh grunts, still red in the face but throws Louis’ car keys at him. The three of them are still in pyjamas, Harry having thankfully thrown some on when he ran out of the room, but they skip the formality of clothes and jump into Louis’ car.

Liam’s heart sinks when they pull up to the hospital.

"Josh?!" Liam hisses because he had said it was fine. If he was lying Liam will honestly murder him.

"He’s fine just hurry up or Niall’s going to chop off all our limbs"

Ignoring pointed stares from everyone over their questionable attire, especially Harry’s bunny slippers, they bound up the stairs to floor 2 and run into Niall pacing at the elevators.

He rounds on Liam and shoves him against the wall.

"If you ever hang up on me during times like this I’ll fucking kill you do you understand me?!" His eyes are screaming anger but there’s something else there, something that suggests Liam need not fear for the worst.

Liam nods and Niall release his grip on him.

"He’s in there"

/

Liam walks in and sees Zayn toying nervously with the edge of the blanket. He looks tiny but not as scared as he had been the day he woke up. It settles something in Liam.

"Hey" Liam says awkwardly, remembering their last interaction but trying not to because Zayn is in a hospital bed for god sake.

Zayn stares at him. It’s intense and his eyes are ablaze. Liam stands there and lets him, something in Zayn’s eyes making the familiar hope blossom in Liam.

"Can you do something for me?" Zayn asks and Liam tries to ignore the way Zayn’s ears have turned pink with embarrassment.

"Anything" Liam answers honestly and smiles faintly at the twitch of Zayn’s lips.

"Can you…. can you kiss me?"

 

//

 

Once Zayn gets the question out everything goes quiet. The beeping of his machine and thumping of his heart seem to be the only sounds.

He knew he shouldn’t have asked. Liam is still wrapping his head around this and Zayn’s already kissed him in the last 24 hours. He’s fucking with Liam’s head and he squirms with the guilt of it.

But then he feels a warm hand cup his jaw and he’s suddenly met with brown eyes swimming with so many emotions that Zayn knows he can name, somewhere deep in his memories.

Liam wets his bottom lip before surging in and kissing Zayn gently on the mouth. Zayn hardly has time to react, snaking his arms around Liam’s neck and sinking into this. It didn’t feel familiar last night but now, the way their lips fit and synch together so perfectly Zayn can’t help but sigh in familiar satisfaction.

His heart pounds as Liam continues kissing him, letting out small whimpers that light every nerve in Zayn’s body on fire. His stomach surges with love, just pure fucking love and he pulls Liam closer. As close as they can get.

Liam tries to break away but Zayn won’t let him. He can’t. He loves him- he knows he does. He kisses Liam all over ignoring the sounds of protest Liam makes and laughs and sobs and just kisses him; he can’t stop.

His head is searing with pain, images flicking through like a comic book but he registers them all. Liam laughing, Liam kissing him, Liam loving him, Liam fucking him. Everything. He lets everything in and he finally has to stop kissing Liam because it’s overwhelming but exciting and his heart monitor is going crazy.

"Zayn! Zayn please tell me what’s happening" Liam gasps and Zayn lets out a full belly laugh at the way Liam’s lips look absolutely raw and ravished but his eyes look impossibly innocent and scared. He’s always such a paradox.

"I love you! I love you so much" Zayn says, watching with trembling hands still around Liam’s neck as Liam’s eyes widen and widen to an impossibly large radius.

"Liam I’m remembering. I’m thinking of things, I’m feeling things and it’s going to take time but I know I love you. I know I’m in love with you" he can’t stop saying it and the way Liam’s eyes water and his mouth shakily stretches to a smile Zayn knows he’ll never be able to stop saying it. Ever.

"You’re rambling you know" Liam says and his voice is weak and he dabs at his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie.

"I love you"

Liam grins and lets out a sob of what Zayn hopes is relief.

"Fuck I love you too Zayn!" He sobs and Zayn grips him close, smiling when he feels Liam’s watery eyes clench in the crook of his neck.

 

_**Epilogue** _

Zayn sits on the couch with his head tilted back because Liam thinks that the more he tilts his head, the better he will recover quicker. It’s ridiculous in Zayn’s opinion but whatever makes Liam happiest.

He watches Liam in the corner of his eye. He’s researching like crazy on his laptop as usual. He’s wearing grey sweatpants and his hair is still tousled from his shower and he’s wearing Zayn’s reading glasses even though Zayn knows he doesn’t need them.

Zayn squirms when his head throbs slightly with a memory. He blushes and fixes himself trying to ignore Liam’s needy moans echoing in his head.

It gets worse when an ad for some stupid swimwear collection comes on the TV and Zayn sees a vivid image of Liam in a pool. Soaking wet and skin gloriously reflecting the sun.

"Fuck" he whispers, feeling himself harden and smirks when he catches Liam look over at him.

"Hey Liam um, I need some help" Zayn calls and Liam is standing in front of him in record time.

"You ok? Is it your head?"

Zayn snickers at the innuendo but winces in pretend pain.

"Yeah I’m getting this memory but… it’s hurting my head, I need help remembering it"

Liam cocks an eyebrow because Zayn can’t stop shuffling in the seat; he can’t help it- Liam looks good.

"What is it?"

Zayn doesn’t know how to answer; Liam’s the one who is good at dirty talk. Instead he tilts his head back more on the couch and rubs a hand across his crotch. He bites his lip and moans at the friction.

He doesn’t dare look up yet because Liam hasn’t touched him inappropriately since he got back from hospital and he’s afraid of the rejection he might see. Liam tip toes around Zayn like Zayn could forget him at any moment but Zayn doesn’t want that now- he just wants Liam.

"You shouldn’t use your amnesia as-" Liam cuts off when Zayn ducks his hand inside his boxers and squeezes, moaning loudly and unabashedly. He opens his eyes to a slit and Liam’s whole body is red- just like in Zayn’s memories and his face is slack.

"Help me remember babe" Zayn grunts, squeezing again and using his other hand to reach out and lightly trail his fingers up Liam’s bare chest.

"Please?" He gives his best pouty look and Liam’s entire body shivers and Zayn grins in satisfaction.

"What do you want to remember… exactly?" Liam gulps and Zayn takes a second to think and lifts off his t-shirt in the process.

"How you taste" he whispers, leaning over to lick up Liam’s thigh.

"How you smell" he trails upwards, standing up to duck his face into the crook of Liam’s neck. He sniffs exaggeratedly and earns himself a nervous giggle.

"How you feel," Zayn tugs at Liam’s earlobe with his teeth "inside me" he reaches around and squeezes both of Liam’s cheeks and hears a squeak and then a muffled moan. He smiles into Liam’s shoulder.

"Since when are you a talker!" Liam gasps when Zayn rolls their hips together.

"Well you better remind me how you’re the talker then" Zayn grins, a dirty grin that has Liam’s eyes darkening and his whole body shoving Zayn down onto the couch.

"We have plenty of time for that but right now I need to remember how _you_ taste, smell and feel inside _me_ " Liam says in a dirty whisper, licking his lips before getting on his knees and pushing Zayn’s legs apart.

Zayn chokes on a reply when he feels blunt nails drag up his thighs to pull his boxers down to his knees.

Liam’s eyes are impossibly dark; the brown now totally eclipsed by dark black want.

"Do you remember this?" Liam’s asks, dragging his teeth along Zayn’s hips and blowing gently on his stomach. Zayn’s dick twitches and he shuts his eyes. Yes, yes he does. He conveys as much by digging his fingers into the back of Liam’s head.

"What about this?" Liam feigns innocence with a stupid pout and then licks a wet stripe up the underside of Zayn’s cock. He smirks when Zayn tries to reply but says something completely incoherent instead.

"This?" Liam whispers before finally wrapping his lips around the head and slowly, so fucking slowly, sucking right down to the base. Zayn almost passes out.

When Liam doesn’t move and hums in a questioning tone, Zayn’s thighs start to quiver around his head.

"Fuck Liam I remember I remember please move"

He feels more than hears Liam vibrate around him and then he’s breathing in slowly while coming back up for air.

"You’re mine and don’t ever forget it" Liam says seriously, leaning back on his heels as much as Zayn will allow him to. He looks oddly serious considering he has spit all over his obscenely wet mouth and his voice is now a bit more wrecked than usual. "Not again Zayn"

With a deep swirl of heat Zayn remembers this. Remembers how much he loves Liam’s possessiveness. He knows that he likes to taunt it out of him for his own kicks.

"You’re going to have to prove it" Zayn smirks, aiming a look of intent to his painfully erect cock and Liam growls before surging forward and sucking hickies on every part of Zayn’s body he can reach.

Zayn is squirming and moaning and if Liam keeps grinding against him while biting and licking him he’s going to come just like that. He says as much and Liam laughs against his rib.

"I’m proving it you" he whispers and then uses both their hands to start to get himself off. Zayn is unable to do anything but stare in wonder at their two hands working Liam, causing him to moan and shudder in the most beautiful ways.

"Fuck Zayn" Liam gasps before swatting Zayn’s hand away and leans up on his knees. He looks Zayn in the eyes and bites his lip, moaning weakly before coming all over Zayn’s stomach. Zayn is too shocked and turned on to even think about reacting and just lets Liam ride it out.

"You’re mine" Liam repeats dragging a finger through the mess to reiterate his point and smirks like he’s won before ducking down to finish what he started.

/

“You’re disgusting” Zayn sighs in bliss when they’re lying beside each other, Liam having dragged Zayn to bed because the couch was a bit too sticky to sleep on.

Liam just grins and nuzzles in, back to his tip-toeing ways; reaching out to cuddle but then retreating.

"You gotta stop that Li!" Zayn says sternly, wrapping an arm around him so they’re face to face.

"I’m sorry" Liam says, a sad frown creasing between his eyebrows.

"I love you. I remember this- us"

"Not all of it" Liam still sounds sad and Zayn wants to stop it, wants to kick him so he snaps out of it. He does just that, laughing when Liam kicks him back much harder.

"I remember what I need to for now" Zayn murmurs, snuggling down to kiss over Liam’s heart.

"Cheesy prick" Liam laughs but his eyes have lit up and he’s softened in Zayn’s arms. Zayn watches him for a moment, sees how the dark rings are still under his eyes and his heart fucking breaks for him. 

"Thank you. I’m so grateful for all of you you know"

Before Liam can reply Zayn’s phone buzzes with a text.

**you gotta come to ours: nosh is happening!!!!!**

"What’s nosh?!" Zayn asks, wrinkling his nose.

Liam bursts out laughing, grabbing Zayn’s phone to check the screen.

"I’ll explain on the way- let’s go" he sighs happily, leaning over for another kiss.

"I love you" Zayn says again because he does and he never wants to forget Liam again.

"I missed you" Liam mutters and kisses the inside of Zayn’s wrist before turning back to the wardrobe. "But I’ll probably get sick of you in another few months"

Zayn fiddles with the ring Liam returned to him and smiles at it.

"Even if you do I’m yours for life" Zayn laughs softly.

Liam pokes his head out from his hoodie which is stuck around his nose so he can’t speak but his eyes say it all. He _is_ Liam’s for life. 

“Now let’s go laugh at our clueless friends before you recite Shakespeare to me” Liam nudges Zayn’s hip with his own, eyes shining with delight over Zayn’s attempt at romance. Zayn knows he loves it. 

Zayn laughs and follows Liam out the door, hands intertwined and he holds on for dear life.

**end**


End file.
